It comes a time where you wonder where you are going in life. Up? Down? Forward? Fuck knows! Perhaps it is just the exam stress getting to me or perhaps it is the fact this year is almost over and once again I have nothing substantial to say I have done. Don't get me wrong, it has been a wonderful, painful, thrilling and educational year. I have learnt so much about myself and others but I am still left here, a jobless uni student who is miserable doing his Politics and Communications degree. In High School you leave being the big fish in a small pond, it seems the world is at your fingertips and you will go on and succeed. The reality is we are all very small fish in a big ocean and sometimes the current goes against us. So what do we do when everything seems to be going the other way? Some may suggest fight it, I say you might want to change direction.
This year I have failed to satisfy my desires to learn, succeed, find love and explore. I have remained stationary in a world that is racing around me. My biggest fear is that I will go on to live a mediocre life. I do not want to end up 30, alone and in some dead end job. I am once again at University, studying a degree that is impractical and useless. I have spent an entire semester studying 4 units and the most useful thing I have learnt is how to write a press release. I would love to blame our tertiary education system but the reality of the situation is I am looking for practical work to further my understanding of the world, university mostly offers theory, especially in an Arts degree. So is it worth the 3 years? Possibly, unless something more fulfilling comes along.
I am constantly suffering from the temptation to move. In a sense I want to run away from it all. This awful city, it's gay scene and a select group of 'friends' and exes. I suppose it sounds immature and petty but after 14 months of endless drama sometimes you just wanna pack up and leave. I tell people that London is calling, and I feel it would be right for me. At least I wont get sunburned in the British winter. Although London is very far away, which makes it even more tempting, there is such thing as too far and this may be the case. So everyday I am rethinking where I can establish a career, find love, achieve happiness? It is probably not in my little gay city of Perth.
It is absurd to think I am having a pre-adulthood crisis. Yet here I am, stressed about my directionless future because I can't find anything that fulfills me. My life is so very short and I do not want to waste any second of it. I do not want to become one of those old, rich and lonely gay men who have accepted that is all their life will be. I would rather have no money but die happy. I suppose my journey will go on until I can find what or who makes me happy. For now I will listen to Taylor Swift and imagine what my future may hold. I am proud to be human, and I know I may be directionless for the rest of my life. Here's hoping that I wont be though.
