Pray the Gay Away

After over a year of being an out and proud gay men I can't help but to wonder where all the homophobia I prepared myself for is?  I am fortunate enough to be a White Cis Gay male but even then I was expecting a world that is against me.  To my surprise I have found a world that frankly doesn't take notice, a world of people who are to busy with themselves.  I am not saying I have not experienced any form of homophobia.  There have been comments and 'jokes' passed my way regarding my sexuality, all of which had little impact on me.  I suppose it comes down to a persons perspective of the world.  You either think it is with you or against you.  When I came out I made sure I came out into a modern world, one that is very different from the world of hate crimes.  No longer do we live in a world where we had to fight for our existence.  Although this is not exactly accurate, for me in Australia I have it very well off, I am in no way a second class citizen, and throughout time the 'little' injustices will be smoothed out.  I am one of the lucky gays.

In saying all this some of my biggest experiences with homophobia have left me laughing.  I can't help but to ridicule those who're so backwards in thinking that they want a whole community of people to disappear.  Let me just say that regardless of ones political views, it is completely ignorant and unproductive to place 100% emphasis on "the family" while ignoring everyone else.  Yet it saddens me to think most of my homophobic experiences have been within a political party.  To no surprise for many I am a active and proud member of the Liberal Party.  Although I do not fully support some of their policies, their ideology and their focus on the power of the individual appeals greatly to me.  This ideology is evident in my blogs.  I am constantly placing focus on my perspective, I rarely ever blame the world, I never place myself in a collective and I make sure you all know I am me, I am Jack Barlow and I am a gay man but not the gay community or scene.

So what do I consider homophobia?  Well for starters it is not me just getting upset with people who disagree with my lifestyle, they have a right to disagree, perhaps I disagree with theirs and I have that same right.  To me, homophobia is when someone is clearly disgusted and hateful towards you, when they cannot see you for anything more than your sexuality and when they want you to change that for them.  Homophobia is unjust, it is when someone stops caring about the individual and they only care about their collective, be it Christian, Nazi, Islamic or other.  I am not saying all these collectives are homophobic, because they're not.  Extremist minorities who abuse these collectives on the other hand are the problem.  So where did I first experience homophobia?  A policy forum of course.

It started with me walking into a room of men.  I was then handed a sheet of policies that will be addressed and to my surprise they even made sure to include two condemning same sex marriage.  I am not sure what they're so afraid of?  The forum included a sea of harmful words, a fairfax reporters dream and it resulted in a pissed of Jack storming out.  Within 48 hours I had three executive members call me to apologise for words spoken.  I was surprised anyone noticed and I am glad they did, it was the only thing that kept me in that faction.  From there I had another member pass many other comments, although I have a high respect for some of his views, when it comes to gays he is nothing short of a twat.  Whether it be calling them evil or even suggesting he could convert me straight, it is these acts of discrimination that frustrate me.  I have no choice but to laugh it off.  If anyone truly believes you can pray the gay away then I assure you so many people like me would be straight.  So many gay men and women did pray, they prayed every night to be normal and God didn't change them.  Perhaps, if there is a God, he made us this way.  Perhaps we need to move on from thinking God hates our lifestyle, especially when he made it so easy to live.  It was not God who bashed us, spat on us and kicked us down when we were weak.  It was straight men and women.

So I end this blog on a high note.  Homophobia is dying and the world is changing.  When you come out make sure you come out into the right world, because you live in the world you create.  I am lucky enough to be strong willed and stubborn, I will not let anyone get me down and I won't allow others to use my sexuality as a club to beat me with.  I am lucky and proud.  Keep your heads high and block out the haters. It always gets better.

Life is a beautiful thing.

A life is a beautiful thing.  It is delicate, innocent and so very pure.  We all tend to forget this through our day to day errands and we don't realise that behind our endless sea of work, homework, Facebook, and what ever else plagues our lives that we are our own masterpiece.  It is very rare that we will take time to sit down and think "Shit, I have it good right now".  Perhaps that is the problem.  Life is not easy and it never will be.  From birth to death you will be thrown curve balls from every direction.  For some this can leave them hurt, battered and bruised for others they can manage to score a home run.  How we deal with our issues doesn't make us better than anyone and how we don't deal with out issues doesn't make us a second class citizen.  How we treat others is what we should be judged on and I don't just mean our friends but also our enemies.  Life is a beautiful thing and you must make sure you take care of other lives the same way you would like someone to take care of your own.

I talk about life because I feel it is becoming under-appreciated.  By that I don't just mean we forget the value of other lives too easily.  I mean that we are forgetting the value of our own lives too easily.  I often find myself forgetting that I am interconnected with many people.  I don't realise the impact I have on others and by doing that I often don't realise my own self worth.  It becomes so normal to think I am alone in this world and I would never lie and say that I have not been tempted to throw it all away.  We have all been there, in our darkest moments.  We have all had 'those' thoughts. And perhaps it is the fact that even while writing this the idea of mentioning the word suicide is too taboo.  It is sad that we can't even openly talk about it.  Not only is the topic frightening and morbid but is is socially something we don't wish to recognise.  Suicide is no less of an issue, even when we pretend it doesn't exist.

A life is a valuable thing and although this blog may just be filled with cliches and one liners, they all are completely true.  Suicide is incredibly difficult to talk about, there are no one liners.  When it comes to death the typical lines we use such as "it gets better" are not exactly true.  It is time for blunt honesty and perhaps we should stop trying to fool ourselves and others into thinking these things get better and go away.  They don't.  Suicide is horrible and when you take your own life you will be found by someone and that person will live the rest of their lives haunted with the image of your lifeless body.  When you swallow those pills you leave behind masses of people who will be left shocked, hurt and lost without you.  When you tie that rope you forget that you are going to be leaving behind a family, who for better or worse will always love you.  When you take your own life you also take life out of others.

It is so easy to sit here and rant on about how selfish suicide is but that doesn't address the issues surrounding it.  When a person kills themselves they don't exactly do it because they're selfish.  They do it because they're convinced they are worthless. When it comes to addressing suicide as an issue we should be reminding people that they are important without distorting reality for them.  If people realise their self worth and their impact on the world then perhaps they will become less likely to go through with it. I sit here and I wonder what those moments before death is like.  For some it may be beautiful and almost cinematic for others it may relieve them of great pain.  Yet I cannot help but to think for those who take their own lives, that inside they've already died.

On Thursday morning I received news that one of my readers had killed himself.  I can't express my sadness, my heart is broken and I could not imagine how his family is right now.  I remain in shock to think that on Tuesday he messaged me to commend me on my writing and he even thanked me for it.  He said just by writing I am making peoples lives easier and, Jake I sure do hope I made yours slightly better.  You were so loved and if you could see what is being said about you now you would have never have done what you did.  We were supposed to be catching up sometime, gosh we may have even have become good friends!  There is nothing I can do to change what happened but like hell will I just be another person to stand by and say to your loved ones "It gets better" and say to others "it's such a shame".  Because that is how these things happen.  When we just stand by and let them.

To anyone out there considering suicide all I can say is please don't.  You don't realise the damage such an event does to others, you don't realise how valuable you really are.  When you make that choice it is you last choice.  When you take that path you cannot turn back.  You don't allow yourself to finish your journey in life or even change it.  It's just not worth it.  For those who are seeking help for others I can only insist that you do what ever you can do to wake them up.  Depression is like a deep sleep, their reality is like a bad dream and they cannot see the world around them.  Wake them up, just even if they only get a glimpse and make sure they know they're apart of this world.  Make sure they know suicide should never be an option.  We all have our own demons and we are all fighting a battle.  Life was never meant to be easy but we must remain proud of who we are.  We must strive to live another day and make a positive impact on everyone.  Even a short life can be monumental.  Don't forget you're self worth.

This blog is written in memory of Jake Carpenter.

Jake, my advice to you was that a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet.  I'd like to think that I had managed to be more to you than just some stranger on the internet who writes blogs.  I'd like to think I left a footprint in your life, I'd like to think I made a difference.  You sure as hell have left a mark on me and I wish I could thank you.  I hope where ever you are right now you're happy, I hope the pain has been taken away.  Until next time, friend.

Frenemes

Being gay and being in a political party ensures me that there is one constant trend in my life. That is that I will always have "friends" who are really enemies.  Frenemies is a term for those who despite your serious disgust in knowing them you have no choice but to be their friend, well you have to at least act like they're your friend.  I have made sure of one thing in life and that is when I die I will have people willing to dance on my grave.  Why? Because if I have gone through life without upsetting a single person or without gaining a 'hater' it means I have done nothing substantial and I have made no impact on this world, good or bad. People will always hate you.  You will be hated for your looks, personality, actions and sometimes just for who or what you know.  You can be hated out of jealousy or you might be hated because you're a shitty person.  Regardless it is always likely that even in adult life you will experience schoolyard hate.

Recently my list of enemies has jumped from few to many and my burn book is reaching capacity.  I have always been known to hold grudges, be passively aggressive and I find myself often being far from a forgiving person.  Yet in the past I have tried to make changes to these traits and in result I found I was getting used and hurt far more.  I asked myself why?  It became clear as more friends turned into enemies.  As you can forgive a bad friend for doing something once, that is fair but the more you forgive them the more likely they will abuse the niceness in you.  Sometimes we have to accept some people are just bad people.  Before any of you out there (and I know my enemies read this too) start to point their finger at me and say "you are a bad person" I want to be the first to say that...

I am not perfect.  I make mistakes and I have done bad things.  I regret them and I am truly sorry for the harm I have caused.

It is rare that I would ever go out of my way to upset my friends, although I can't say the same for my enemies.  When I do upset my friends it is because I have either become blindly selfish, I have misread the situation or they are simply just no longer my friend.  I truly believe friends should and do fight with each other and when they do it should easily be resolved.  Yet for some of my previous friends I do not want things resolved as they do not deserve my pity or my forgiveness.

They say from ages 16 until 25 you will experience a lot of temporary people.  This is completely true.  Most of all, if you're a gay man you will spend time in the scene, which is filled with less temporary people but more enemies.  My two gay friends, potentially at the time my best friends have easily turned into my enemies and hopefully this is known to them.  This all happened over a series of events regarding nothing more than our love lives.  In the end the bitchiness and two faced attitudes all became too much for me and I told them both to please, go away.

In this cases hate was a result of jealousy and it was jealousy from all sides.  Some were jealous of who the others were dating, some were jealous over who the others liked and some weren't really jealous at all, only bitter.  For these friends all I can say is that I loved them and I listened to them bitch about each other and their problems, I gave them advice and I tried to do the best for them.  Yet to have it thrown back in my face and worse of all for them to use a sensitive tool such as my ex boyfriend to hurt me is beyond forgivable.  They can all be friends with each other because nothing inspires me more than knowing I have a group of haters who have nothing on me.  My hands are sparkling clean compared to yours.

Yes I have many frenemies.  I have lots in politics but potentially more in the gay scene.  The two after all are almost identical.  Both are filled with two faced people, both have liars and untrustworthy 'friends'.  In both people will try to burn you out and stomp you down.  They're equally as incestuous and to keep afloat you must not only play the game but play it better than the rest.  So I say this with a bitter taste still in my mouth, one day I will be rich and I will name every car I own after my haters because in the future it will be me taking you for a ride.  Be proud of being hated, it means you're doing something right.

Finally this last piece is for someone who was not the perfect friend but a good one who I wronged.  I wrote you a letter when you went away and despite the wrongs we have done against each other I want you to know I still mean every word I wrote.  I am sorry.

One Direction? More like no direction!

It comes a time where you wonder where you are going in life.  Up? Down? Forward? Fuck knows!  Perhaps it is just the exam stress getting to me or perhaps it is the fact this year is almost over and once again I have nothing substantial to say I have done.  Don't get me wrong, it has been a wonderful, painful, thrilling and educational year.  I have learnt so much about myself and others but I am still left here, a jobless uni student who is miserable doing his Politics and Communications degree.   In High School you leave being the big fish in a small pond, it seems the world is at your fingertips and you will go on and succeed.  The reality is we are all very small fish in a big ocean and sometimes the current goes against us.  So what do we do when everything seems to be going the other way?  Some may suggest fight it, I say you might want to change direction.

This year I have failed to satisfy my desires to learn, succeed, find love and explore.  I have remained stationary in a world that is racing around me.  My biggest fear is that I will go on to live a mediocre life.  I do not want to end up 30, alone and in some dead end job.  I am once again at University, studying a degree that is impractical and useless.  I have spent an entire semester studying 4 units and the most useful thing I have learnt is how to write a press release.  I would love to blame our tertiary education system but the reality of the situation is I am looking for practical work to further my understanding of the world, university mostly offers theory, especially in an Arts degree.  So is it worth the 3 years?  Possibly, unless something more fulfilling comes along.

I am constantly suffering from the temptation to move.  In a sense I want to run away from it all.  This awful city, it's gay scene and a select group of 'friends' and exes.  I suppose it sounds immature and petty but after 14 months of endless drama sometimes you just wanna pack up and leave.  I tell people that London is calling, and I feel it would be right for me.  At least I wont get sunburned in the British winter.  Although London is very far away, which makes it even more tempting, there is such thing as too far and this may be the case.  So everyday I am rethinking where I can establish a career, find love, achieve happiness?  It is probably not in my little gay city of Perth.

It is absurd to think I am having a pre-adulthood crisis.  Yet here I am, stressed about my directionless future because I can't find anything that fulfills me.  My life is so very short and I do not want to waste any second of it.  I do not want to become one of those old, rich and lonely gay men who have accepted that is all their life will be.  I would rather have no money but die happy.  I suppose my journey will go on until I can find what or who makes me happy.  For now I will listen to Taylor Swift and imagine what my future may hold.  I am proud to be human, and I know I may be directionless for the rest of my life.  Here's hoping that I wont be though.

New Love

There is something wonderful about moving on.  The possibility of new found love is exciting, scary and thrilling.  Dating is a pain in the ass, but through the tedious process you will find friends, enemies and lovers.  This is something that is often underestimated and forgotten about, especially if you have just come out the other end of a breakup.  Once you move on your world opens up, you are free!  I've managed to navigate my way through a break-up that really hit me hard (for some silly reason).  I have started dating and in one week I have met a handful of wonderful, loving and amazing guys, all of who I will hold close. 

I have recently discovered I have changed my 'type' in men.  No longer do I go for the muscled up jock, the douche bag and the shallow prick. I go for more caring, artistic guys.  Dancers, Actors and Musicians have dominated my dating life and with no regret.  I have a secret passion for the performing arts, I love to go to the theater and I want to see the ballet when it comes to town.  Why I spent so long dating losers who's only sense of culture comes from their love of burritos and their only artistic talent comes in the form of Gym selfies is beyond me.  I know I am worth more and that is why I have started dating better.  I am dating people who appreciate me, who actually are kind and who don't diminish my self worth.  This is why I say moving on is beautiful and this is why it is also so wonderful!  It has allowed me for the first time to meet people who I actually like and who actually like me too!

The first man I met will forever leave me speechless.  He will forever haunt my memory as the one who got away and I will live my life regretting that I never fought for him.  It is rare you meet someone who is you ideal man.  Someone who is young but mature.  A gay male who was looking forward to settling down, having kids and living the suburban life style.  It sounds silly and it is almost as if it is out of some silly American Sit-com but alas he is real.  He loved romantic comedies, theatre and politics.  He is perfect.  Unfortunately due to the events of life I could not keep this person and I had to reluctantly move on.  He'll always be special, an idea of perfection I will always hold onto and I hope we can remain friends, and if he was to ever ask me out again, I assure you the answer right now will be "Definitely, maybe.".  Yet for now life goes on and there are many potential suitors out there.  I can only wish that he finds the perfect man for him and most importantly is happy until his final moments, he is truly deserving.

 "Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better." - Waiting For Godot by Samuel Beckett.

Of course since I have moved on to other guys and I hope to have more dates lined up with the same or different people.  I am not at a point to make rash decisions nor should I be holding out from potentially finding love.  Currently I have met another guy who I enjoy greatly.  Everything is sweet and passionate.  There is a sense of innocence but it is strangely mixed with with immaturity and giggles.  He has dreams and aspirations that will most likely get in the way.  He is destined to travel the world and be famous.  There is nothing I want more than to see him archive his goals.  So for now I will go with the flow but I will refuse to keep someone in this hell hole of a city.  I want to see people spread their wings and fly, it is only unfair to ever prevent someone from that.  It is wrong to hold people back from what is good for them.

Not everyone I date is meant to be but so far all are people I want in my life.  They're all guys I can relate to closely and I can see myself caring for them.  If anyone I have dated reads this post and gets insulted or upset, please don't.  This is an appreciation post and it is my open diary.  You have all left a good impression on me and will never be forgotten.  I am proud of who I have dated.  I hope they are proud of dating me too!  I wish you all the best in life.  Don't hold back from finding love, I assure you it exists.

Moving on

Breakups are hard enough as it is but eventually it gets to a point where you just need to move on.  It's times like these where my old Scout leader Diamond comes to mind.  OK, so doing scouts is fairly lame, I know but it taught me a lot.  "Harden the fuck up, Jack". It is as simple as that.  Now that I look back on it she has a bloody good point.  Shit happens, things fail and there comes a time when you need rebuild and move on.

I have been in multiple relationships, this is no surprise to anyone.  Yet my last was the most toxic of them all.  It was borderline abusive, both emotionally and physically, and I was far too foolish to realise until after it all ended.  I put myself in harms way for a man and the result, unsurprisingly, was that I got harmed.  I am yet to shed a tear over this all, I am not sure I ever will.  I placed this person on a pedestal and although I was not perfect I loved and cherished everything about him, I most likely always will. Now it is over and I find myself unable to let go.  I am holding onto something that doesn't exist, I am clinging to the false hope that this perfect man will finally come back to me.

So why must we move on?  Simply because it is unhealthy not to.  The emotional trauma that comes from wanting for something you can no longer have will kill you.  The jealousy will turn you bitter and you will see them become happy and fall in love with another while you fail to move forward.  I need to move forward.  My life cannot stagnate or else it will fall apart.  I have freshly come out of a love affair, I am licking my wounds but I also stand tall.  I left a relationship that would have destroyed me.

It is easy to say to someone "just move on" but it is harder to actually do it.  I always get the same advice and it is to delete them from your life.  To block, hide and remove their existence.  The reality of the situation is that this may just be needed.  Not all relationships end on good terms, and even if they do sometimes you're left deeply hurt, seeing their posts, pictures and stories might not help with the 'healing' process.  I had to make that decision, it killed me on the inside as I am actively removing someone who made me so incredibly happy. I fail to remember how much pain they put me through.

Moving on is a process, it is about actively getting yourself back to 'normal'.  You need to rebound, start dating again, learn to be alone and most importantly learn to love yourself.  I had invested myself in a relationship that was one sided, I recognised this and ended it but I struggled hard to move on.  It was not until I found out he get a new boyfriend that I knew it was time.  I am proud of my struggles, that is why I share them here and I am ready to progress forward in my life.

Remember, life goes on and it is wonderful!  Love is real, I assure you.  People are fantastic.  We are all one hundred times better than our exes or shitty friends.  We can all be proud of the fact that we are moving on.

I Got One Less Problem Without Ya'

The world is wonderful as it is filled with many different kinds of people.  Short, skinny, fat and tall.  Some of us are men, some are women, some are both and some are neither.  There is one thing I can ensure, nobody has an 'easy life'.  Whether you are rich or poor, white or black, athletic or academic we all face our separate issues.  Our issues are a big deal to us and nobody has the right to belittle you or water down your problems because they think theirs are worse.  Our problems are not relative to each other but to ourselves.  In my experience I have been through many different spectrum's of society.  I have faced poverty and adversity as well as mingled with the rich and successful.  I would like to think by now I have a broad knowledge of what it is to be human.

Many weeks ago my friend was attacked, insulted and belittled over his problems.  He had what can be considered a good life, he was well off without doubt.  He lived in the Western suburbs,  He attended Scotch and graduated from UWA.  He is also a manic depressive, he faces problems that the wider community have never heard of.  This friend of mine has had to work through toxic family conditions and a series of mental health issues to work his way up to a life goal he set himself many years ago.  There was just one last speed hump to his success and it sucked the life out of him.  He crumbled.  He almost failed to achieve his goal, so he turned to the help of his friends, one of who rejected him and then to add injury to insult he was told his issues are irrelevant, that he is not liked because he did not grow up in the same chaos as that another person.

This other person, I do not know her life but her actions reflect poorly upon her personality.  She had the audacity to critique another persons problems because she believed she had suffered through worse.  This is not the attitude of the resilient fighter she tries to portray herself as, this is the attitude of a jealous, bitter person who has to project their issues upon another.  It breaks my heart to think someone who has apparently suffered so much would dare break down another person and be perfectly OK with that.  It disgusts me that she would think that personal suffering is some sort of competition and that her issues can make other peoples problems invalid.  She is in need of a reality check, because if this is a competition I assure you she will lose to others.  My friend was supportive of this girl and her issues, he was sympathetic and in return he got kicked while he was down.

We as a community and a society need to remember something incredibly important.  That is to be kind to each other.  Yes, there are drama queens, those who over exaggerate, those who lie and so on but that is irrelevant in the end.  If a person has a problem then that is theirs and you have no right to dispute it.  We are all fighting our own demons and we all carry baggage, remember that.  Be proud of your problems, you are after all only human.

Heartbreak

It's a funny thing heartbreak.  I've always associated it with being in love.  That you must be in love with someone for your heart to ever be broken.  I've also seemed to think that heartbreak is one-way.  I'm not completely incorrect with these assumptions but they're a very basic view of heartbreak.  As my journey through life continues I am finding that, although I am far more mature than most my age (and some older), I still have a lot to learn and most recently rediscovering what heartbreak is has got me completely stumped and somewhat overwhelmed.

It is rare anyone wants to inflict pain upon themselves and if they do there is often a more traumatic and emotional cause behind it, but when it comes to heartbreak I tend to bring it upon myself before anyone else can.  I've had my fair share of dating experiences and there have been many men and there will be many more to come.  As I constantly question "what is love?" I can never admit to truly being in love but I know I have felt heartbreak.  It is a feeling that rips through you, it is a physical pain that is uncontrollable.  You can dull it and try to ignore it but it eats at you, slowly.  My first real heartbreak experience was so traumatic and I felt so lonely that I vowed to write a diary of my pain and hurt everyday in hope I can look back and prevent myself from ever 'falling in love'.  Heartbreak does not come from being in love though, it comes from being vulnerable.  When you open yourself up to anyone, a lover, friend or family member you open yourself up to heartbreak.

So why do I choose to inflict heartbreak upon myself?  Simply to prevent others from hurting me and to stop myself from falling in love. Someone once told me that we are all damaged goods.  This is entirely true!  Every experience be it good or bad leaves a permanent mark on us that will change who we are forever.  Consider ourselves as a record.  We are an original and our grooves, when read, sound who we are.  When you do not take care of a record it becomes scratched and that sound becomes static.  The original is still there, just part of it cannot be heard.  When you're careless with a record to the point it shatters it can never be played again, the original is still there, but it will never be heard.  People are records, we are all unique and we produce wonderful music!  But if you fail to take care of us you ruin us for the next person.  You strip us from our innocence, you remove our attentiveness, you make us insecure and we put up a facade.  Just like records, humans can also be repaired.  Carefully and delicately the pieces can be put back together and a sound can be played.  It will never be like the original but it can still be heard.

What I am trying to say is we must take care of each other as much as ourselves.  I have allowed myself to be hurt by others and instead of being resilient and putting the pieces back together I have decided to hide away.  The result is a bitter, cynical and sarcastic person.  A person who I am not.  Deep down I am a romantic.  I like formal dates, gifts and flowers.  I want walks on the beach and pillow talk.  Surprise texts and spontaneous kisses.  I write love letters and plan indulgent evenings but I replace all that good, all that innocence and all that love with someone who instead distances himself from anyone who poses a threat.

Heartbreak is powerful and it comes in many forms and how we deal with it is completely up to us, but we cannot go through life without being heartbroken.  I do not intend to repeat my mistakes, I no longer wish to hide myself away.  Being vulnerable is a beautiful thing, it is not weak, and yes, you must protect yourself as there are nasty people out there but do not make the same vow I did.  Do not prevent yourself from feeling love.  Because if you do you will lose everyone who ever meant anything to you.

I am a person who loved unconditionally and endlessly.  I helped people when they did not even deserve my attention.  I cried for people who could not care less about me.  I have left myself vulnerable to strangers, friends, boyfriends and more.  I have been too trusting and too ignorant to the world and deep down I miss that.  I miss being that person because I was a good person!  I was a person of love.

Heartbreak is traumatic and painful but also wonderful!  Do not let it change you.  I assure you people will hurt you and you will hurt people until the day you die!  That does not mean you must hide yourself away like I have.  When you are vulnerable you allow yourself to get butterflies at a text message, his smile makes you smile and every moment with that person is wonderful.  When you are vulnerable you can connect with someone and it opens your world. Be proud of being who you are, be proud of being a human.  Let your record play!

GBF: Gay Best Friend

It's not often that an openly gay man will have crowds of women fighting over him... Unless they want him as their GBF, or Gay Best Friend.  Louis Vuitton and Gucci have nothing on the handbag that is a GBF.  Your girlfriends will turn green with envy as you rock up to Dome for coffee with this fabulous accessory.  It even feeds and cleans itself!  What I am really getting down to is the blurred lines that are forming between opposite sex friendships and 'fag-hags' using some gay men as nothing more than an accessory.  As a gay man I have countless female friends, many I joke with about being their handbag and all of who I'll call my 'fag-hags' but there is a difference.  I know these women love me and cherish my friendship.  When a lady finds out I am gay and one of their first statements is "yay someone to go shopping with", I will laugh and go along with the joke. I do after all have a sense of humour, but when they relentlessly stereotype me I know I am nothing more to them than their gay handbag!  Objectification is rampant within the gay scene.  Do we really need straight women treating us like objects?

Of course there are two sides to this story.  Some men like being the handbag friend, some love shopping and some seek to fit that stereotype of the GBF perfectly.  That is fine for them after all but like everything it comes at a price to the wider community.  How we present ourselves as individuals has the ability to reflect on all gay men and women.  Sadly society sees us a collective.  So when we objectify each other or allow others to objectify us it sets a standard for all gay-kind, and as long as this standard reaches popular culture we all must expect to be treated by it.

I for one hate shopping.  I have no comprehension of fashion.  I cannot do your make-up.  I do not wear salmon shirts.  I can't strut.  I only recently was told what a maxi dress actually was, not that I really care.  Despite this I am still surrounded by women who I love.  They're my silver lining.  They love me for me and I am not just some person to go shopping with.  I am not friends with the local mean girls, even though since coming out I've gone from that loser to that next accessory.  I am smart enough to know whats good for me and who is good for me.

So who started this trend?  We did, it was needed to achieve acceptance.  We became objects to powerful straight women.  It got us on the world stage and it pushed the world to realise we exist and we really aren't that bad.  Yet the evolution of gay culture and the merging with straight culture has somewhat ceased.  We still remain the object of the straight white woman.  Lady Gaga to Joan Rivers, who I have no doubt love us, still remain to objectify us and use us.  When a woman says "I love gay men" is she referring to all of us?  I'd hope not because there are some shitty gay men out there.  Sadly it seems that we are all just that.  We are all gay men, and we are all loved by these celebrities who are then idolised by other women and then we idolise them back.  We can't be Gaga's handbag so we will be someones who also idolises Gaga.  It is a confusing culture and it seems once you enter it you slowly lose your identity to the collective.

I am no object!  No human on this earth, straight gay, young or old is an object.  It's about time we set new standards for ourselves and fight for the recognition as the individuals we are.  It is time to be proud of ourselves!

Way to reinforce the twink stereotype!

Sports? How Gay!

Sound the final siren because this game is over!  Sporting in Australia has received a blow to its homophobic atmosphere with our much beloved swim star, Ian Thrope coming out as gay.  It came as no surprise to most of us, speculations over his sexuality had been going on since he was only a teenager and now with this recent news a new era for Australian sport can begin.  He has not only outed himself but he has outed an entire community that has done nothing but stand still as the world progresses around them.  People have the right to be open about their sexuality, yet in the sporting world that right is only given to those who are purely heterosexual.  Why?  I'd think it has something to do with straight men being insecure of their own sexuality.  It is because everyone presents themselves as black or white but in reality most people are a shade of grey.  Men are told they must be men, any sign of femininity essentially strips them of their masculinity and as we know, sports, especially team sports, are a testosterone filled sausage-fests where masculinity is associated with skill!

So why is Thorpe's coming out so significant?  It is because he has swum against the current.  He lived a life of depression and anxiety because he could not openly be his true self and he is not alone.  Sporting greats whether it be Matthew Mitcham, Tom Daley or even Robbie Rogers have all endured homophobia in the sporting arena.  This is not just an issue isolated within professional sporting, it goes deep down into the grass root community clubs that many of us grew up with.  We need to promote acceptance of those who are gay in sports.  We need to help create comfortable environments for people of all sexualities and most importantly we need to remove this backwards and homophobic attitude that seems to dominate male sports.

In Australia 1 in 10 people are gay.  So we should expect at least one homosexual in every football, soccer or rugby team.  I assure you there are plenty of gay athletes out there, yet for some strange coincidence almost only straight men have ended up as professional athletes.  I am not suggesting that gay athletes are being actively discriminated against or that their sexuality is being used to deny them the ability succeed in their field.  I am suggesting however, that gay athletes don't come out because they're afraid of the treatment and backlash they'll receive as a result.  If you need any proof that homophobia is rampant in sports allow me to remind you of the AFL commentator who referred to a player as a "poofter" because he believed this players waving technique was effeminate.  This is no longer acceptable.

Through writing this blog I have met many people and heard many stories but one story about an English soccer player inspired me to write on this subject.  He is hardly out to his friends, if anything only a select handful know.  After training and games he makes sure he is the first or last to shower, if he isn't he has to experience a room full of team mates making homoerotic gestures and suggestions as jokes.  It makes him uncomfortable .  When you are gay the last thing you need are straight team mates making a joke out of your sexuality.  You can never learn to trust them or believe they'll still support you the same way if they were to know who you truly are, especially if they think what you like is nothing but a funny joke.  Homosexuality isn't a joke, being homosexual does not make you any less of a man and femininity isn't a crime or something to be ashamed about.  Gay men in sports are just the same as straight men in sports.  It's about damn time they start being treated that way.

Regardless of what code you support, if you pay, watch or can't stand the sight of sport there is a message still to spread.  Homosexuals should not be forced into hiding their sexuality.  If a straight man has the right to be openly straight then a gay man has the right to be openly gay. It's time we start viewing people for their abilities and not their sexuality.  It's time we support others and most importantly be proud!

Dating and Romance and Love! Oh my!

The mysterious world of dating is something that nobody seems to be able to get their head around.  Whether it be the constant questioning of what is a date, when is it time to have sex or if you're offical yet, it can be easy to quickly become overwhelmed by it all, especially if it's your first time.  There is a huge change between those high school years where you are each others boyfriend even before the first date, and adult life where you don't even know if you want a boyfriend or not.  As technology and society changes, new ways to meet and date people open up before you, but this comes with its complications.  For us gays it is even harder to find 'the one' as a small population indulged in a promiscuous culture definitely drys up the dating pool, which by this stage is more of a puddle.  Yet we still find adorable gay couples walking their dogs down Beaufort street or plastering their icky, gooey love all over social media (making us hopeless romantics incredibly jealous) and sometimes you even see them on amazing dates which just make you want to punch yourself in the genitals.  Dating, it sucks!  But if a relationship is the goal dating is the route there.

First to remove a myth about dating.  You are never too young or too old for a relationship or to date, don't think that you have to sleep around before you settle down.  Relationships are all about sharing yourself with another person and when you're ready to experience that then you are ready.  I started dating the moment I came out because I knew that sleeping around was not for me but you have to be careful who you date and where you meet them.  Dating people off apps like Grindr and Tinder is always risky, you can never, ever form any attachment until you know their true motives.  This becomes a huge problem when it comes to the world of online dating, you know as much about them as their picture, profile and a few words spoken can tell you.  You can't read their body language (emojis are NOT body language), you can't feel a connection.  Generally people you meet online become the person you have searched for, chosen and then manufactured inside your head.  Often when you meet them in person things don't always run so smoothly.  The best dating experiences I have had have always been with those I met in person first, It's just with them you instantly know what you are in for.

Dating friends is not as bad as people make it out to be, as long as you are both mature and open to each other.  Remember dating doesn't always end how you want it to or expect it to but not always is it because of the other person, sometimes you are the problem. You must always consider the fact they had something that made you want to spend your life with them and if you come out of it all thinking they're the worst person in the world you must still be an adult about it.  This I am still slowly learning to do but the benefits from it outweighs the effort.  A huge downfall in the world of gay dating is that people are afraid to form crushes.  I rarely hear guys talk about how they get butterflies at the sound of their crushes name or all they can think about is being with their date.  Romance is NOT dead, don't be afraid to be romantic or even feel things for another person.  Through doing this you will become more open to being hurt, women have it right when they say men are dicks but it is necessary and a part of life.  This is why you need to find someone who is after what you're after.

You must be open with each other.  It is important to establish that you are dating for the same reason or else you'll both be taken for a ride and more or less someone will get hurt.  Many times have I dated with the intention of forming a relationship only to get shot down by the words "I don't want anything serious".   It always puzzles me, why date if you don't want anything serious?  Never be afraid to ask the other person what they want and if it is not the same as what you want, don't try to change them just leave them!  You don't want to just date any boy you fancy, you want a man, an adult who will treat you right.  As for any dickhead that goes out there with the intention of screwing other people over and leading them on, you are the problem.  Please fix yourself.

A relationship is about each other.  When you are in one you will do things for the other person that you hate.  You will get angry at them but still want to hold them tight.  You will feel the urge to say "fuck it" and end it all but you wont.  They make you feel special, you both will make time for each other even if it means a few hours sleep before work.  You are completely open, you have no secrets, you trust each other and you will slowly fall in love. And although you will meet others who may look better or are more intelligent than your boyfriend you must remember there are people who are smarter and more attractive than you, yet he still chose you and you still chose him.

please stop being cute, I just cant even!

As for love I have never got to truly experience it.  I do believe in love at first sight, but loving a person is very different from being in love with a person.  The closest I got to love was when someone convinced me I was in love with them.  Never force someone to say those words, it will taint them for the rest of their lives.  There are lessons to learn from dating, you will do it and probably a lot of it.  You will feel amazing and you will also get hurt.  Never change yourself for anyone and never lead someone on.  When you do finally meet someone who is right you will know and they will become the center of your world.  Regardless of how they look or act they become the most beautiful and perfect creation you'll ever come across.

What's that guy doing with my future husband? 

Now for us who are single and hopeless go!  Go binge on chocolate and ice cream until someone comes into your life.  Be proud and be happy, regardless of your relationship status.

STIs. They're back and it's our fault.

It is time to wake up and smell the infection!  An epidemic is on our hands and we only have ourselves to blame.  STI's and STD's are making an unfashionable comeback, and just like shoulder pads, ankle warmers and Perez Hilton it's time to put them back in the closet to never be seen again.  So why the comeback?  Well it's nothing sudden, the rate of infection has been increasing across most common types of diseases and infections (excluding syphilis which has been dropping) but it is fair to say my generation has a lot to do with it.  We are the generation that missed out on the "AIDs is death" campaign, we live in a time where most things are easily curable and we are profoundly ignorant at times.  It is quite easy to blame the government and catholic education for this slow rise, and I agree that these things are not taught well enough in schools.  It's still taboo and that's where we step in.  STI's are only scary to catch, not to talk about.  So talk!  Talk to your friends, new people to the community and strangers even.  Talk about them, educate people and made sure they get tested and use protection.

I stress this topic as I have witnessed friends all around me catch things and it is not pretty.  I watch as they do stupid things and I constantly lecture them to know better.  Now it could be that I surround myself with idiots, at times I do question that but I feel this is more an observation of the actions of a fearless generation that knows no better.  Bare backing with strangers and multiple random blow jobs are a sure way to catch something.  Let me break a myth here and now.  Blow jobs ARE a form of sex and oral sex CAN give you an STI.  #shockhorror

So in terms of prevention abstinence is always the unrealistic but 100% sure way to remain clean.  Following that is condoms and dental dams.  These will generally stop the nasty stuff.  Things like genital warts (HPV) and herpes (HSV) are skin contact viruses.  They're not curable but are treatable and will go dormant.  Before having sex make sure you trust the person and ask if they're are clean.  Chances are if you get something the other person was not aware they had it either.

Following prevention is detection.  It's simple, go to your local sexual health clinic and get tested.  They're judgement free zones and the process is quite simple.  You get a throat swab, an anal swab and if you are a female you will get a vaginal swab.  You get blood taken and they require a urine sample.  In a few days you will get a call, email or an appointment that will brief you on the results.  If you are clean well life goes on, if not treatment begins.

Treatment.  This should be the biggest deterrent. Lets start with the bad stuff.  HIV/AIDs are not curable but are treated with a retrograde medication ($$$), so you will still live a fairly normal life you'll just be forever tied down financially and sexually.  All the STIs like Chlamydia and Syphilis are curable.  Treatment is just an antibiotic that will make your life revolve around the nearest toilet for a few days.  Also depending on the treatment you may get a giant needle in the ass (fun).  So it is a painful treatment or lack of treatment just for things that are easily avoidable.  Still questioning that condom?

Finally do not be ashamed of catching something.  We need to remove the stigma behind STIs/STDs as they're so common chances are you'll catch one in your life time.  We need to get talking and put this on the agenda.  Especially within the gay community where infection rate is far higher than average.  So spread the word not the diseases.  Wrap a condom on and avoid those awkward conversations.  We are human,  sex happens and so do STIs so lets be proud, be smart and put an end to them!

Grindr

Whether you're after "dates, mates, fun" or even "only chats" and a possible "pic swap" it would be folly to expect any gay man has not heard of this app.  Grindr is basically a prolific orgy of gay men, crammed into one space and granted permission to do as they wish.  The result is an addictive display of online human interaction, which often leaves me puzzled on how men think.  The aim of the game for some is to get laid, others to make friends and the rest are undecided. You will find a large group of under age youths desperately trying to make contact with other gays.  You get everyone from the closet to their deathbed.  It is a mixing pot of gays.  It is also dangerous, seedy and requires more attention.  Why?  Because it is shaping a culture and influencing the younger generations negatively.  Grindr is like porn, it creates unrealistic expectations of life.  It promotes racist and even homophobic attitudes (yes, gays hating on gays) while it continues to infiltrate deep into gay culture.

My biggest concern is what Grindr does to those who are new to the gay scene.  It is often their first port-of-call when it comes to exploring their sexuality or even interacting with people like them.  I say this because I was one of those people.  I used the app neither sex or for dates but to find gay friends.  I am not longer that 16 year old boy lying about his age and I am fortunate to be mature and eager enough to learn fast about the gay community, but I would be lying if I said Grindr didn't have a negative impact on my life back then.  It is too easy to mix with the wrong people, I was lucky enough to have a strong moral compass then but some people my age are easily influenced by others.  Quite simply Grindr is not for those under 18 and it should not be peoples first glimpse of the gay community!

We fail to pay attention to anyone outside the 18-30 year old age bracket and because of this we leave our most vulnerable community members open to harm.  There are movements to support gay youths across the globe.  Trevorspace and the Trevorproject  are prime examples of how gays are coming together to support the most vulnerable in our community.  Yet youth are still finding themselves on apps like Grindr.  Are we failing the younger generation?  Are we setting them up to believe being gay means that acting like some of the filth on Grindr is the norm?  We are, and it is because we fail to run successful programs where Gay youth can interact normally.  We need local events targeted at those gay and under 18, we need global sites where the same age group can interact in a safe and friendly environment and we need those who are older to welcome these people into a community of gays who had to fight for their rights and not for their bodies.  And if we have these things already in existence we need to sell them, market them, fund-raise for them and make them work.  Why?  Because a Grindr culture is a xenophobic, unrealistic culture and we must prevent Gay youth from thinking that is what being homosexual is all about, because it plainly isn't.

For those who are old enough to know better and are reading this I beg you to help the new generation of gays.  For those who are young and feel isolated and alone I ask you please do not turn to Grindr but use sites like Trevorspace, turn to community groups or even come to people like me.  We are here to help and we are the better option.  Regardless of your age you must respect everyone, act in their best interests and most importantly have some level of morale.  Be proud.

If you're under 18 here is a site I first went to.
https://www.trevorspace.org/

10 Things Not To Do On Grindr

Grindr is an app of mystery and seediness but despite its main use of being a whore gathering place it has a set of rules which if you wish to be a successful sluzza you must follow.

1. Faceless Photo's are a no-no.

Nice pecs... wheres the rest?

Nobody likes talking to the headless horseman. Be polite and show that pretty little face.

2. Blank Profiles get blank responses 

If you want to know how to grindr everyone's gears do this (hilarious I know).  People will most likely think you're the police trying to track the local beat-users and you will be blocked.

3. Dick Pic greetings

It's not even pretty

Wangs ain't pretty and yours is not special.  Simple.

4. "Horny?"

at least he said hi?

Is this a new form of greeting I am unaware of?  Often my response is "hungry!"

5. A lack information is not an invitation

Riggghtttt...

Nobody will ever want to be balls deep inside someone without an age, race, height, about me and body type.  Show yours.

6. Random complements.

Need I say more?

Urhh, uhhmmm, thanks?

7. Corny Pickup lines

I was talking to Tyker Oakley, I regret nothing!

Honey, that didn't work on the last 14 guys and it wont work on him. (heart broken)

8. General creepiness.

You're a dickward

Please, just don't!

9. Repeat messaging.

I'm not responding.

Just get the message, no.

10. Lying or trolling

I thought we were better than that

I can't even

Don't be rude, we wanna get nude!

And there you have it.  The what nots of Grindr.  Common sense really....
I thank the Grindr folk of Perth for their endless display of awkwardness, rudeness and penis photos.

Gaymers

It's rare that anything interesting will ever result from a match on Tinder but this week I was fortunate enough to be matched with and messaged by one very attractive guy (like so damn attractive I can't even).  He exposed me to something new and something gay.  Gaymers, a sect of the gay community unknown to me for far too long.  I often hear about the gay scene being incestuous, bitchy and rather unpleasant.  I have experienced the cliques, I've witnessed the exclusive attitudes and I've been exposed to the bitchiness.  Yet I was invited into a new community of gamers' with open arms.  For the record I would not classify myself as a gamer, I haven't actively participated in gaming for years.  I also don't enjoy watching anime and I was not aware K-Pop even existed until recently.  I have very little in common with these people in that sense.  Regardless it was all irrelevant.  They don't care about how you look, what you're into or who you sleep with.  They only care about your personality and how you treat others.

A quick background on the Gaymer Guild.  From what I was told it was established as a judgement-free university group for gays who like to game.  Makes sense right?  This is exactly what it is and how nice does that sound?  I found a group of people who I don't have to fear and I've made friends who I know I can keep.  Some would suggest these are the outcasts of the mainstream gay community.  Many of them don't go clubbing and for some it has been years since they set foot in The Court.  It's because they want to get away from that culture that can easily chew you up and spit you out.

So I arrived and for the first three or four hours I sat there socially awkward around a bunch of guys doing nothing more than playing games together. I was nicknamed "The Quiet Achiever" (do I sense jealously over my Mario Kart skills?).  I feel rather stupid now, I had no reason to be like that.  As soon as I got to loosen up, well there was no going back.  I bonded with my new friends over Sharknado as some of the others were watching and passionately singing along to Frozen.  It was an amazing night followed by a fun morning of Adventure Time, Grindr talk and medical education from the guilds creator/passionate nurse and from what I've heard also an amazing person in general.  Definitely an experience worth having and repeating!

The entire gay community can learn from this group.  Whether you call them nerds, geeks or gaymers they are good people who respect everyone unconditionally.  Some are odd, they have their quirks and habits and they don't all look like AC models or the love child of Zac Efron and Channing Tatum but that all becomes irrelevant when you realise they're warm, caring and loving people (as corny as it sounds). They're real friends with a real support network and what I witnessed although isn't a perfect scene, it is something we all as a community should try to strive for.  Play hard and be proud!

Redheads

Reppin' that ginge

Fanta Pubes, Carrot Top, Ranga and Ginger are just some of the words used to describe this mysterious race of outcasts and I just happen to be one.  Being blessed with a tinge of the ginge is something that will guarantee you a life of comments, stereotypes and no, it is not 'strawberry blonde', being a red head makes me no different to anyone else, I am after all human and I do have a soul despite popular belief.  Yet, with my limited and information-packed experience within the gay community, I have found an interesting reaction to my mutant gene. It's a reaction that I have never experienced before when dealing with straight society.  It seems that being a redhead is almost a type of fetish for many gays I've met.

It's fair to say being different will result in a lot of crap coming your way and the world-wide bullying has resulted in a push for the redhead image to be changed.  We are not ugly, gross, alien or stupid and we do not deserve to be treated differently for something we are born with.  Being ranga is like being gay, we have to adapt to the jokes, the snares and the occasional bullying.  We have to take what makes us different and wear it with pride.  That's why I call my self a fag, a homo, a ranga, a ginger because I am these things and it is no insult to call me them.  Yet being a ginger does not always result in negative treatment.

The sexual curiosity that dwells within many non-redhead gays results in a rather flattering treatment at times.  Most of it is formed by myths and legends that create a stereotype for those with ginger hair.  It is flattering to be desired, this we can all agree on.  I enjoy being called a 'cute redhead'. I enjoy having people who make my hair colour something that's attractive and not disgusting but it's time to crack this stereotype wide open. 

The most frequently asked question I get is "Do rangas have red pubes?"  Uhh.. Yes!  Generally (but not always) your body hair will match the hair on your head, which makes me deem this also as the most annoying and stupid question of them all (although it is asked usually as an attempt to get a look at something else).  Following this is "Is it true what they say about red heads ;) ?" My penis size is not determined by my hair colour.  People with red hair have a variety of different shaped penises, all of them which you should enjoy.  So are all red heads hung?  Science says no!  So there you have it guys, the two biggest sources of curiosity answered.  Although this is all objectively speaking and although personal experience may lead you to believe otherwise that is just a matter of coincidence.

Now comes for the part I cannot answer as science or common sense has not yet explored this.  Are red heads sexy?  Are they good in bed?  Do they do things better?  Do they have short tempers?  There was one study to suggest we feel pain differently but the mysteries of the ranga are still yet to be explored by science.  There is one thing I can assure you and it is the message of this weeks blog.  Redheads are human, we are like everyone else and deserve the same expectations and treatment.  We should not be stereotyped or outcast and we deserve respect.  If you are a person who hates rangas because of their hair colour you're no better than a man who hates gays because of their sexuality or a woman who hates Asians because of their race!  This goes especially out to those who are gay and discriminate against people, you are what hold us back.

As for my experience of being a redhead, it will always be fascinating to see how something rare is treated so differently. As for my experience of being gay I will always be fighting off those 'ranga-chasers' and gay haters.  Be proud!

Running from those Ranga Chasers!

My Coming Out Story

My friends and I have a 'special' relationship.

This past week I have spent a lot of time talking to people who are still 'in the closet' or who are out but are afraid to be recognised as gay.  It has got me asking myself "why did I come out of the closet?"  Do we do it for self interest? Fear? Love?  Regardless why we do it we always come out a happier person.  Right?  Sadly even for those who do come out happier and free to be themselves some are bullied, neglected or ostracised into depression or even suicide.  To make it worse people view this as a reason to not come out.  A simple and important message to get across on this topic is do it when you are ready!  Do not expect sunshine and rainbows, a movie style family hug or a party to celebrate.  These things are not always the case.  Very rarely do I hear coming out stories that don't include "and I lost my friend" or "My family wont talk to me".  You will have to deal with bigots and homophones.  It is worth it. Why? Because you may lose everything you ever had but you are left with a clean slate and most importantly you are left happy! 

Me with my two good friends Shannan (right) and Amy (left)

Coming out was the best thing I had ever done.  It was over a month or two in mid 2013 (yes, not even that long ago).  The first person to ever know was my best friend Shannan, I told her as she dropped me off from school.  I was nervous and scared, I still don't know why.  I came out and she said "Oh OK".  She was a little surprised but not angry and she wasn't really phased by it a whole lot.  This started the upward spiral that was me coming out to my friends.  By the end of the year they all knew and they were all cool with it.  For our generation it appears to be a normal thing which makes me so lucky and thankful to those who fought for this.  A sad but simple truth is your female friends will be more accepting than your male friends, but they learn to cope and who knows maybe you coming out will help one of them come out.  I can happily say that when I came out to all my friends not one of them had any issues with it.  Not one of them abandoned me and not one of them treated me any differently.

If only my family was so accepting.

I was coming off that high you get after an amazing first date and I wanted to share.  I was feeling a type of happiness that I didn't know existed before.  So I told my sister Jade, I told her everything and she kept it a secret.  She was cool with it, although 12 years older than me she may as well have been my age but this gave me the confidence to do something I kind of wish I didn't.  I told my Mum.  A women who has always been loving and caring but due to her own ineptitude has left us with a strained relationship.  I told her over text and I got the response of "I love you regardless but are you sure?" I felt good, she didn't care and she loved me anyway right?  Wrong! 

My Mother is a sly woman and she isn't a smart woman either.  In her usual fashion she had to turn something that wasn't about her into a drama with my mother in the spotlight and my feelings on the sidelines.  She devised a little story in her head and used it as motive to tell every family member about my sexuality.  I'm happy, she did the hard work for me in that sense but I still have not forgiven her for what followed. Funnily enough it also made my sister Ashlee feel guilty for teasing me about being gay during my entire childhood.  My mother then targeted my friend, she blamed this all on him.  In her mind my sexuality was a product of another persons influence.  God-forbid she would have a gay son.  In comes alcohol and it is fair to say that the attacks I endured from my own mother has changed my view on her forever.  Worst of all she told my father before I was ready to let him know, he cried and we still do not talk about it.  Her excuse was to blame it all on other family members and that she was upset over the fact I will give her "no more grandchildren".  I pity her.

Following this I told my close family friends.  They were basically my fill-in family for when my real family weren't there.  They are hard-core conservatives and strong Christians.  I was most afraid to tell them.  Yet when I did all they said is 'we still love you'.  It is funny how the people who are most set up to hate gays were some of the most accepting.  They show me unconditional love on a daily basis, they are real family. 

My 'adoptive' sister Miranda and I.

That's my brief coming out story and from this there are lessons to be learnt.  When you are ready you may endure worse, better or even the same treatment.  You may be bullied or your life may go on.  Regardless you stay strong and keep living!  People have committed suicide because being in the closet has slowly hollowed away all happiness.  Don't risk that.  You can always change the people who surround you but you can't bring yourself back to life.  Coming out will allow you to reach your full potential.  No longer caring about what others think will allow you to be your true self.  You can follow a stereotype or not, you can do anything! Just be you!

My final piece of advice to those struggling.  Never be afraid to let go of people who are hurting you and don't be afraid to run.  There are people out there, people who are willing to help or professionals you can contact through variety of ways.  You have a voice, please never be afraid to use it.

Be happy and be proud!

Websites to go to;

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/

http://www.mensline.org.au/

http://au.reachout.com/

Making connections at Connections

It was a Saturday night and I figured instead of maintaining my normal ritual of singing loudly to Taylor Swift's "All Too Well", I would instead continue my deep and almost spiritual journey into the Perth gay-scene. So the night kicked off with an empty stomach and half a bottle of the cheapest Vodka I could find. It was still early but I had made plans to meet a friend at The Court.  Yes, it was time for round two of what is still a mysterious maze of smoke and mirrors but this time I was not so afraid.

A "Quick Fuck" (it's a shooter) to start with and an awkward wait on the side-lines, phone-in-hand waiting for my late friend.  He was a closeted Court virgin.  It was not until later that night that I had realised I've repeated the same mistake.  I am experiencing  something relatively new with someone as inexperienced as me!  But the night was young, the alcohol was seemingly cheap and I was ready to dance and so danced I did.  It's fair to say that my second visit to The Court was fun-filled and lively, as I was not afraid any more.  I am still yet to decide whether that is a result of my own personal growth or the amount of alcohol I had drank.  Something which I can only come to the conclusion of when I go out again.  A long island ice tea later and my mate and I were ready to experience something new.  It was time for what was later described to me as the "great migration".

I've finally left what can easily, to my surprise, be described as the 'innocent' side of gay clubbing and headed over to the deep, dark and seedy centre of Northbridge. Connections!  All I can say is thank god I was already drunk.  If being groped by strange old men is your thing I highly recommend this nightclub (be wary of the $20 entry fee).  Clubbing is about having fun, we do this through a variety of ways such as dancing, drinking, talking and yes, occasionally hooking up.  These things are done with our consent.  Now I am not blaming Connections Nightclub for the people who go there, the place is magnificent although pricey.  It has a fantastic view up stairs of the city, a small but fun dance floor and most importantly a DJ who played the dance re-mix to Frozen's "Let it Go".  

Despite these perks attending the nightclub raised new issues with me, my view of the gay scene and my acceptance of gay culture.  Do we consider ourselves or even others as 'sexual objects'? Do we comprehend the meaning of consent?  Many people would refer to Grindr or Hornet as examples of where gay men come together to objectify each other but again they do this with each others consent. Friends, family and strangers have said to me that 'gay men only think about sex', my own personal experience would suggest otherwise.  There is a split culture with those who respect people and those who merely objectify people.  So where do we draw the line and how do we unite?

Some may think that I am being dramatic over the repetitive and uncalled for groping that both myself and my friend received but it may be that dismissive nature that allows for more serious and immoral actions to take place.  If we let it slide in the Gay Community do we let it slide in the rest of society?  Is being touched without asking for it really a compliment? Should it make me or others feel "desirable"?  The answer is simply no!  I am sure people out there will disagree, I am sure many people love being groped by strangers while clubbing and that is perfectly fine.... for them.  If you want it and if you consent to it that's OK and it is your own business but if you're simply hanging around it is not an invitation to touch or be touched by others without their approval.  To me this is common sense and good manners.  People deserve to be treated with respect at all times.  Being drunk is no longer an excuse. 

Of course life does go on and I continued the night embracing a fun-loving party culture with my friends until my wallet ran dry. I had my first club hook-up.  I bumped into my friends Dylan and the ever-so-sassy Josh, who are two of the most sociable gays I have met so far.  So a question remains.  Did I have a good night?  The hangover the next morning and the cute boy by my side to me would suggest yes!  

We are individuals, not objects and for that we must be proud!

What appears to me my only photo of the night

A Trip to The Court

Carissa and I at The Court. Source- Out in Perth

It’s been a week since turning 18 and I was still yet to explore what has been described to me as the “home of all things gay”.  Yes, The Court Hotel, where the gays of Perth come together in a swarm of dancing, drinking and singing.  I decided I would lose my Court virginity on a Wednesday, dragging along my friend Carissa with the promise of drag queens and $6 cocktails (promises which were fulfilled).

We stepped inside at a ripe time of 7.30PM, the place was fairly empty.  It had this distinct smell that hit you as you walked through the door, I am still yet to accurately describe it.  We headed straight to the bar where were served by a cute Arabic bartender which made drinking all the better.  I got a Sex on the Beach and Carissa got a Fruit Tingle, it’s fair to say that neither of us have enjoyed drinking alcohol half as much as we did that night!

 

We migrated from the bar to the couches then from the couches to the beer garden in an endless dance of awkward re-positioning.  We wanted to make friends but we are both far too shy.  On the one occasion that two club-goers who seemed identical to us approach, Carissa and I screw it all up by having nothing to say at all.  Not a single word, we just smiled and nodded until they eventually came up with an excuse to leave but it raised an interesting issue with me.  How do people interact with each other at The Court?

I started to study people, I noticed they all seemed to already know each other, they all had their cliques and then there was me.  Was this due to my resistance in accepting my place within the gay scene?  It’s fair to say I felt left out, I wanted to meet new like-minded guys but due to my own fault and shyness I spent the entire night on the sidelines.  Even when I finally worked up the courage to go dance I ended up getting pushed off the floor by a gay couple making out. 

Why don’t I fit in? The answer to that is I don’t want to fit in, I am afraid of fitting in.  In a sense I am a homophobic homo, I am afraid of people like me, I am afraid of the scene and I am afraid being a part of it.  Almost a year on and I am still warming up to this idea of being gay.  So I expected others to accept me into the scene when I can’t accept them, when the fact they’re so happy and free being themselves actually frightened me.  I am still on the road to self-acceptance and I should not be jealous or scared of those who've finished their journey.  From now on I celebrate the fact that people out there are happy with themselves and I shall no longer be afraid of the gay scene.  Be proud!