Heartbreak

It's a funny thing heartbreak.  I've always associated it with being in love.  That you must be in love with someone for your heart to ever be broken.  I've also seemed to think that heartbreak is one-way.  I'm not completely incorrect with these assumptions but they're a very basic view of heartbreak.  As my journey through life continues I am finding that, although I am far more mature than most my age (and some older), I still have a lot to learn and most recently rediscovering what heartbreak is has got me completely stumped and somewhat overwhelmed.

It is rare anyone wants to inflict pain upon themselves and if they do there is often a more traumatic and emotional cause behind it, but when it comes to heartbreak I tend to bring it upon myself before anyone else can.  I've had my fair share of dating experiences and there have been many men and there will be many more to come.  As I constantly question "what is love?" I can never admit to truly being in love but I know I have felt heartbreak.  It is a feeling that rips through you, it is a physical pain that is uncontrollable.  You can dull it and try to ignore it but it eats at you, slowly.  My first real heartbreak experience was so traumatic and I felt so lonely that I vowed to write a diary of my pain and hurt everyday in hope I can look back and prevent myself from ever 'falling in love'.  Heartbreak does not come from being in love though, it comes from being vulnerable.  When you open yourself up to anyone, a lover, friend or family member you open yourself up to heartbreak.

So why do I choose to inflict heartbreak upon myself?  Simply to prevent others from hurting me and to stop myself from falling in love. Someone once told me that we are all damaged goods.  This is entirely true!  Every experience be it good or bad leaves a permanent mark on us that will change who we are forever.  Consider ourselves as a record.  We are an original and our grooves, when read, sound who we are.  When you do not take care of a record it becomes scratched and that sound becomes static.  The original is still there, just part of it cannot be heard.  When you're careless with a record to the point it shatters it can never be played again, the original is still there, but it will never be heard.  People are records, we are all unique and we produce wonderful music!  But if you fail to take care of us you ruin us for the next person.  You strip us from our innocence, you remove our attentiveness, you make us insecure and we put up a facade.  Just like records, humans can also be repaired.  Carefully and delicately the pieces can be put back together and a sound can be played.  It will never be like the original but it can still be heard.

What I am trying to say is we must take care of each other as much as ourselves.  I have allowed myself to be hurt by others and instead of being resilient and putting the pieces back together I have decided to hide away.  The result is a bitter, cynical and sarcastic person.  A person who I am not.  Deep down I am a romantic.  I like formal dates, gifts and flowers.  I want walks on the beach and pillow talk.  Surprise texts and spontaneous kisses.  I write love letters and plan indulgent evenings but I replace all that good, all that innocence and all that love with someone who instead distances himself from anyone who poses a threat.

Heartbreak is powerful and it comes in many forms and how we deal with it is completely up to us, but we cannot go through life without being heartbroken.  I do not intend to repeat my mistakes, I no longer wish to hide myself away.  Being vulnerable is a beautiful thing, it is not weak, and yes, you must protect yourself as there are nasty people out there but do not make the same vow I did.  Do not prevent yourself from feeling love.  Because if you do you will lose everyone who ever meant anything to you.

I am a person who loved unconditionally and endlessly.  I helped people when they did not even deserve my attention.  I cried for people who could not care less about me.  I have left myself vulnerable to strangers, friends, boyfriends and more.  I have been too trusting and too ignorant to the world and deep down I miss that.  I miss being that person because I was a good person!  I was a person of love.

Heartbreak is traumatic and painful but also wonderful!  Do not let it change you.  I assure you people will hurt you and you will hurt people until the day you die!  That does not mean you must hide yourself away like I have.  When you are vulnerable you allow yourself to get butterflies at a text message, his smile makes you smile and every moment with that person is wonderful.  When you are vulnerable you can connect with someone and it opens your world. Be proud of being who you are, be proud of being a human.  Let your record play!