It's crazy to think that my first blog was written well over 3 years ago, back when I was a hopeful, inspired and somewhat naive 18 year old entering adulthood as a gay man. In all honesty, I had mostly forgotten about this blog and when I do recall some of my past pieces I tend to cringe. I often think to myself "oh how naive, how simple, how stupid I was." Yet it seems to be a part of my life that returns to me in weird and wonderful moments. Three years later, where I view this all as an embarrassing aspect of my past, I still have people bringing it up. I still get messages of commendation, of thanks and praise, and while it is something I am not quite used to.... Or rather something I don't quite understand, in those moments I certainly feel as if I've somehow made an impact.
I stopped writing around the time I met my previous partner who I was with for about 1 1/2 years. Something had shifted for me and I thought I had fully explored 'My Little Gay City' and that there was nothing left to comment on, but as usual, I was completely wrong. The perspective which shaped how I viewed my world three years ago was highly optimistic. I could go as far as to argue I created the world I wanted to live in, not the world I currently do. I was unquestionably fragile to change in that make-believe world, all of which adds to my current day embarrassment, as I now know better. Yet, there was an undocumented journey I had to take to know better and it is an important one.
I often say to people if I could get that year and a half back from my ex I would. It wasn't a fantastic relationship and while I still adore him as a person, I feel as if being together should never of happened to begin with. We were each other's first long-term and serious relationship, and we were both awfully stubborn. Yet, without that hiccup in my life I would never of grown to be who I am today, for better or worse. Recently I went to an LGBT Professionals networking event, and after I caught up with a few of the people I met for dinner, where aspects of my past were discussed and they all gave me the same advice. That my previous relationship was right at the time but not right anymore, that I cannot look back on my past hoping to get it back, because regardless of whether it was good or bad, something has been gained from it. Lots of people say once a gay man is in his 30's he reaches "gay death". I think what actually happens is that they become wise (but not old) wizards who finally get to escape to torment of being a 20-something #RespectYourElders. I also know that as a young adult I have a lot to learn from all those real adults out there. Three years ago I thought I knew everything.... Boy was I wrong.
Writing has always been something I've found to be liberating. Sharing myself and my story regardless of if anyone reads it or if anyone even cares sheds so much of that teenage angst that seemed to follow me into adulthood. I regret that I stopped writing. I thought that being some normal person meant my story was not interesting enough, I cared too much about what others would think and completely forgot that there's at least one person out there that finds normal interesting, and I don't care if that one person is me.
