New Love

There is something wonderful about moving on.  The possibility of new found love is exciting, scary and thrilling.  Dating is a pain in the ass, but through the tedious process you will find friends, enemies and lovers.  This is something that is often underestimated and forgotten about, especially if you have just come out the other end of a breakup.  Once you move on your world opens up, you are free!  I've managed to navigate my way through a break-up that really hit me hard (for some silly reason).  I have started dating and in one week I have met a handful of wonderful, loving and amazing guys, all of who I will hold close. 

I have recently discovered I have changed my 'type' in men.  No longer do I go for the muscled up jock, the douche bag and the shallow prick. I go for more caring, artistic guys.  Dancers, Actors and Musicians have dominated my dating life and with no regret.  I have a secret passion for the performing arts, I love to go to the theater and I want to see the ballet when it comes to town.  Why I spent so long dating losers who's only sense of culture comes from their love of burritos and their only artistic talent comes in the form of Gym selfies is beyond me.  I know I am worth more and that is why I have started dating better.  I am dating people who appreciate me, who actually are kind and who don't diminish my self worth.  This is why I say moving on is beautiful and this is why it is also so wonderful!  It has allowed me for the first time to meet people who I actually like and who actually like me too!

The first man I met will forever leave me speechless.  He will forever haunt my memory as the one who got away and I will live my life regretting that I never fought for him.  It is rare you meet someone who is you ideal man.  Someone who is young but mature.  A gay male who was looking forward to settling down, having kids and living the suburban life style.  It sounds silly and it is almost as if it is out of some silly American Sit-com but alas he is real.  He loved romantic comedies, theatre and politics.  He is perfect.  Unfortunately due to the events of life I could not keep this person and I had to reluctantly move on.  He'll always be special, an idea of perfection I will always hold onto and I hope we can remain friends, and if he was to ever ask me out again, I assure you the answer right now will be "Definitely, maybe.".  Yet for now life goes on and there are many potential suitors out there.  I can only wish that he finds the perfect man for him and most importantly is happy until his final moments, he is truly deserving.

 "Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better." - Waiting For Godot by Samuel Beckett.

Of course since I have moved on to other guys and I hope to have more dates lined up with the same or different people.  I am not at a point to make rash decisions nor should I be holding out from potentially finding love.  Currently I have met another guy who I enjoy greatly.  Everything is sweet and passionate.  There is a sense of innocence but it is strangely mixed with with immaturity and giggles.  He has dreams and aspirations that will most likely get in the way.  He is destined to travel the world and be famous.  There is nothing I want more than to see him archive his goals.  So for now I will go with the flow but I will refuse to keep someone in this hell hole of a city.  I want to see people spread their wings and fly, it is only unfair to ever prevent someone from that.  It is wrong to hold people back from what is good for them.

Not everyone I date is meant to be but so far all are people I want in my life.  They're all guys I can relate to closely and I can see myself caring for them.  If anyone I have dated reads this post and gets insulted or upset, please don't.  This is an appreciation post and it is my open diary.  You have all left a good impression on me and will never be forgotten.  I am proud of who I have dated.  I hope they are proud of dating me too!  I wish you all the best in life.  Don't hold back from finding love, I assure you it exists.

Moving on

Breakups are hard enough as it is but eventually it gets to a point where you just need to move on.  It's times like these where my old Scout leader Diamond comes to mind.  OK, so doing scouts is fairly lame, I know but it taught me a lot.  "Harden the fuck up, Jack". It is as simple as that.  Now that I look back on it she has a bloody good point.  Shit happens, things fail and there comes a time when you need rebuild and move on.

I have been in multiple relationships, this is no surprise to anyone.  Yet my last was the most toxic of them all.  It was borderline abusive, both emotionally and physically, and I was far too foolish to realise until after it all ended.  I put myself in harms way for a man and the result, unsurprisingly, was that I got harmed.  I am yet to shed a tear over this all, I am not sure I ever will.  I placed this person on a pedestal and although I was not perfect I loved and cherished everything about him, I most likely always will. Now it is over and I find myself unable to let go.  I am holding onto something that doesn't exist, I am clinging to the false hope that this perfect man will finally come back to me.

So why must we move on?  Simply because it is unhealthy not to.  The emotional trauma that comes from wanting for something you can no longer have will kill you.  The jealousy will turn you bitter and you will see them become happy and fall in love with another while you fail to move forward.  I need to move forward.  My life cannot stagnate or else it will fall apart.  I have freshly come out of a love affair, I am licking my wounds but I also stand tall.  I left a relationship that would have destroyed me.

It is easy to say to someone "just move on" but it is harder to actually do it.  I always get the same advice and it is to delete them from your life.  To block, hide and remove their existence.  The reality of the situation is that this may just be needed.  Not all relationships end on good terms, and even if they do sometimes you're left deeply hurt, seeing their posts, pictures and stories might not help with the 'healing' process.  I had to make that decision, it killed me on the inside as I am actively removing someone who made me so incredibly happy. I fail to remember how much pain they put me through.

Moving on is a process, it is about actively getting yourself back to 'normal'.  You need to rebound, start dating again, learn to be alone and most importantly learn to love yourself.  I had invested myself in a relationship that was one sided, I recognised this and ended it but I struggled hard to move on.  It was not until I found out he get a new boyfriend that I knew it was time.  I am proud of my struggles, that is why I share them here and I am ready to progress forward in my life.

Remember, life goes on and it is wonderful!  Love is real, I assure you.  People are fantastic.  We are all one hundred times better than our exes or shitty friends.  We can all be proud of the fact that we are moving on.