My Coming Out Story

My friends and I have a 'special' relationship.

This past week I have spent a lot of time talking to people who are still 'in the closet' or who are out but are afraid to be recognised as gay.  It has got me asking myself "why did I come out of the closet?"  Do we do it for self interest? Fear? Love?  Regardless why we do it we always come out a happier person.  Right?  Sadly even for those who do come out happier and free to be themselves some are bullied, neglected or ostracised into depression or even suicide.  To make it worse people view this as a reason to not come out.  A simple and important message to get across on this topic is do it when you are ready!  Do not expect sunshine and rainbows, a movie style family hug or a party to celebrate.  These things are not always the case.  Very rarely do I hear coming out stories that don't include "and I lost my friend" or "My family wont talk to me".  You will have to deal with bigots and homophones.  It is worth it. Why? Because you may lose everything you ever had but you are left with a clean slate and most importantly you are left happy! 

Me with my two good friends Shannan (right) and Amy (left)

Coming out was the best thing I had ever done.  It was over a month or two in mid 2013 (yes, not even that long ago).  The first person to ever know was my best friend Shannan, I told her as she dropped me off from school.  I was nervous and scared, I still don't know why.  I came out and she said "Oh OK".  She was a little surprised but not angry and she wasn't really phased by it a whole lot.  This started the upward spiral that was me coming out to my friends.  By the end of the year they all knew and they were all cool with it.  For our generation it appears to be a normal thing which makes me so lucky and thankful to those who fought for this.  A sad but simple truth is your female friends will be more accepting than your male friends, but they learn to cope and who knows maybe you coming out will help one of them come out.  I can happily say that when I came out to all my friends not one of them had any issues with it.  Not one of them abandoned me and not one of them treated me any differently.

If only my family was so accepting.

I was coming off that high you get after an amazing first date and I wanted to share.  I was feeling a type of happiness that I didn't know existed before.  So I told my sister Jade, I told her everything and she kept it a secret.  She was cool with it, although 12 years older than me she may as well have been my age but this gave me the confidence to do something I kind of wish I didn't.  I told my Mum.  A women who has always been loving and caring but due to her own ineptitude has left us with a strained relationship.  I told her over text and I got the response of "I love you regardless but are you sure?" I felt good, she didn't care and she loved me anyway right?  Wrong! 

My Mother is a sly woman and she isn't a smart woman either.  In her usual fashion she had to turn something that wasn't about her into a drama with my mother in the spotlight and my feelings on the sidelines.  She devised a little story in her head and used it as motive to tell every family member about my sexuality.  I'm happy, she did the hard work for me in that sense but I still have not forgiven her for what followed. Funnily enough it also made my sister Ashlee feel guilty for teasing me about being gay during my entire childhood.  My mother then targeted my friend, she blamed this all on him.  In her mind my sexuality was a product of another persons influence.  God-forbid she would have a gay son.  In comes alcohol and it is fair to say that the attacks I endured from my own mother has changed my view on her forever.  Worst of all she told my father before I was ready to let him know, he cried and we still do not talk about it.  Her excuse was to blame it all on other family members and that she was upset over the fact I will give her "no more grandchildren".  I pity her.

Following this I told my close family friends.  They were basically my fill-in family for when my real family weren't there.  They are hard-core conservatives and strong Christians.  I was most afraid to tell them.  Yet when I did all they said is 'we still love you'.  It is funny how the people who are most set up to hate gays were some of the most accepting.  They show me unconditional love on a daily basis, they are real family. 

My 'adoptive' sister Miranda and I.

That's my brief coming out story and from this there are lessons to be learnt.  When you are ready you may endure worse, better or even the same treatment.  You may be bullied or your life may go on.  Regardless you stay strong and keep living!  People have committed suicide because being in the closet has slowly hollowed away all happiness.  Don't risk that.  You can always change the people who surround you but you can't bring yourself back to life.  Coming out will allow you to reach your full potential.  No longer caring about what others think will allow you to be your true self.  You can follow a stereotype or not, you can do anything! Just be you!

My final piece of advice to those struggling.  Never be afraid to let go of people who are hurting you and don't be afraid to run.  There are people out there, people who are willing to help or professionals you can contact through variety of ways.  You have a voice, please never be afraid to use it.

Be happy and be proud!

Websites to go to;

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/

http://www.mensline.org.au/

http://au.reachout.com/

Making connections at Connections

It was a Saturday night and I figured instead of maintaining my normal ritual of singing loudly to Taylor Swift's "All Too Well", I would instead continue my deep and almost spiritual journey into the Perth gay-scene. So the night kicked off with an empty stomach and half a bottle of the cheapest Vodka I could find. It was still early but I had made plans to meet a friend at The Court.  Yes, it was time for round two of what is still a mysterious maze of smoke and mirrors but this time I was not so afraid.

A "Quick Fuck" (it's a shooter) to start with and an awkward wait on the side-lines, phone-in-hand waiting for my late friend.  He was a closeted Court virgin.  It was not until later that night that I had realised I've repeated the same mistake.  I am experiencing  something relatively new with someone as inexperienced as me!  But the night was young, the alcohol was seemingly cheap and I was ready to dance and so danced I did.  It's fair to say that my second visit to The Court was fun-filled and lively, as I was not afraid any more.  I am still yet to decide whether that is a result of my own personal growth or the amount of alcohol I had drank.  Something which I can only come to the conclusion of when I go out again.  A long island ice tea later and my mate and I were ready to experience something new.  It was time for what was later described to me as the "great migration".

I've finally left what can easily, to my surprise, be described as the 'innocent' side of gay clubbing and headed over to the deep, dark and seedy centre of Northbridge. Connections!  All I can say is thank god I was already drunk.  If being groped by strange old men is your thing I highly recommend this nightclub (be wary of the $20 entry fee).  Clubbing is about having fun, we do this through a variety of ways such as dancing, drinking, talking and yes, occasionally hooking up.  These things are done with our consent.  Now I am not blaming Connections Nightclub for the people who go there, the place is magnificent although pricey.  It has a fantastic view up stairs of the city, a small but fun dance floor and most importantly a DJ who played the dance re-mix to Frozen's "Let it Go".  

Despite these perks attending the nightclub raised new issues with me, my view of the gay scene and my acceptance of gay culture.  Do we consider ourselves or even others as 'sexual objects'? Do we comprehend the meaning of consent?  Many people would refer to Grindr or Hornet as examples of where gay men come together to objectify each other but again they do this with each others consent. Friends, family and strangers have said to me that 'gay men only think about sex', my own personal experience would suggest otherwise.  There is a split culture with those who respect people and those who merely objectify people.  So where do we draw the line and how do we unite?

Some may think that I am being dramatic over the repetitive and uncalled for groping that both myself and my friend received but it may be that dismissive nature that allows for more serious and immoral actions to take place.  If we let it slide in the Gay Community do we let it slide in the rest of society?  Is being touched without asking for it really a compliment? Should it make me or others feel "desirable"?  The answer is simply no!  I am sure people out there will disagree, I am sure many people love being groped by strangers while clubbing and that is perfectly fine.... for them.  If you want it and if you consent to it that's OK and it is your own business but if you're simply hanging around it is not an invitation to touch or be touched by others without their approval.  To me this is common sense and good manners.  People deserve to be treated with respect at all times.  Being drunk is no longer an excuse. 

Of course life does go on and I continued the night embracing a fun-loving party culture with my friends until my wallet ran dry. I had my first club hook-up.  I bumped into my friends Dylan and the ever-so-sassy Josh, who are two of the most sociable gays I have met so far.  So a question remains.  Did I have a good night?  The hangover the next morning and the cute boy by my side to me would suggest yes!  

We are individuals, not objects and for that we must be proud!

What appears to me my only photo of the night

A Trip to The Court

Carissa and I at The Court. Source- Out in Perth

It’s been a week since turning 18 and I was still yet to explore what has been described to me as the “home of all things gay”.  Yes, The Court Hotel, where the gays of Perth come together in a swarm of dancing, drinking and singing.  I decided I would lose my Court virginity on a Wednesday, dragging along my friend Carissa with the promise of drag queens and $6 cocktails (promises which were fulfilled).

We stepped inside at a ripe time of 7.30PM, the place was fairly empty.  It had this distinct smell that hit you as you walked through the door, I am still yet to accurately describe it.  We headed straight to the bar where were served by a cute Arabic bartender which made drinking all the better.  I got a Sex on the Beach and Carissa got a Fruit Tingle, it’s fair to say that neither of us have enjoyed drinking alcohol half as much as we did that night!

 

We migrated from the bar to the couches then from the couches to the beer garden in an endless dance of awkward re-positioning.  We wanted to make friends but we are both far too shy.  On the one occasion that two club-goers who seemed identical to us approach, Carissa and I screw it all up by having nothing to say at all.  Not a single word, we just smiled and nodded until they eventually came up with an excuse to leave but it raised an interesting issue with me.  How do people interact with each other at The Court?

I started to study people, I noticed they all seemed to already know each other, they all had their cliques and then there was me.  Was this due to my resistance in accepting my place within the gay scene?  It’s fair to say I felt left out, I wanted to meet new like-minded guys but due to my own fault and shyness I spent the entire night on the sidelines.  Even when I finally worked up the courage to go dance I ended up getting pushed off the floor by a gay couple making out. 

Why don’t I fit in? The answer to that is I don’t want to fit in, I am afraid of fitting in.  In a sense I am a homophobic homo, I am afraid of people like me, I am afraid of the scene and I am afraid being a part of it.  Almost a year on and I am still warming up to this idea of being gay.  So I expected others to accept me into the scene when I can’t accept them, when the fact they’re so happy and free being themselves actually frightened me.  I am still on the road to self-acceptance and I should not be jealous or scared of those who've finished their journey.  From now on I celebrate the fact that people out there are happy with themselves and I shall no longer be afraid of the gay scene.  Be proud!