It's crazy to think that my first blog was written well over 3 years ago, back when I was a hopeful, inspired and somewhat naive 18 year old entering adulthood as a gay man. In all honesty, I had mostly forgotten about this blog and when I do recall some of my past pieces I tend to cringe. I often think to myself "oh how naive, how simple, how stupid I was." Yet it seems to be a part of my life that returns to me in weird and wonderful moments. Three years later, where I view this all as an embarrassing aspect of my past, I still have people bringing it up. I still get messages of commendation, of thanks and praise, and while it is something I am not quite used to.... Or rather something I don't quite understand, in those moments I certainly feel as if I've somehow made an impact.
I stopped writing around the time I met my previous partner who I was with for about 1 1/2 years. Something had shifted for me and I thought I had fully explored 'My Little Gay City' and that there was nothing left to comment on, but as usual, I was completely wrong. The perspective which shaped how I viewed my world three years ago was highly optimistic. I could go as far as to argue I created the world I wanted to live in, not the world I currently do. I was unquestionably fragile to change in that make-believe world, all of which adds to my current day embarrassment, as I now know better. Yet, there was an undocumented journey I had to take to know better and it is an important one.
I often say to people if I could get that year and a half back from my ex I would. It wasn't a fantastic relationship and while I still adore him as a person, I feel as if being together should never of happened to begin with. We were each other's first long-term and serious relationship, and we were both awfully stubborn. Yet, without that hiccup in my life I would never of grown to be who I am today, for better or worse. Recently I went to an LGBT Professionals networking event, and after I caught up with a few of the people I met for dinner, where aspects of my past were discussed and they all gave me the same advice. That my previous relationship was right at the time but not right anymore, that I cannot look back on my past hoping to get it back, because regardless of whether it was good or bad, something has been gained from it. Lots of people say once a gay man is in his 30's he reaches "gay death". I think what actually happens is that they become wise (but not old) wizards who finally get to escape to torment of being a 20-something #RespectYourElders. I also know that as a young adult I have a lot to learn from all those real adults out there. Three years ago I thought I knew everything.... Boy was I wrong.
Writing has always been something I've found to be liberating. Sharing myself and my story regardless of if anyone reads it or if anyone even cares sheds so much of that teenage angst that seemed to follow me into adulthood. I regret that I stopped writing. I thought that being some normal person meant my story was not interesting enough, I cared too much about what others would think and completely forgot that there's at least one person out there that finds normal interesting, and I don't care if that one person is me.
Sunday, 18 June 2017
Tuesday, 8 March 2016
What is Love? (baby don't hurt me)
Recently I have been having a lot of conversations about love and I have noticed that it is not exactly the universal feeling that some may claim it is. I found it strange to hear a friend say that they were not in love with their partner of over six months, as if it was very normal and expected. It was unexpected and similar to when someone claims they are in love after only a few dates. Perhaps it is that through media and modern culture we have completely conditioned and framed what it is to be in love and anything seen outside of that is disregarded? Perhaps someone can be in love for a few weeks and that 'love at first sight' feeling is more genuine than perhaps the love in a 4 year relationship? Love after all is completely relevant to the individual and it would be unfair to try and rationalise someones feelings. There is, of course, a flip side. That perhaps there has been such a misuse and misunderstanding of this feeling that we get caught up in lust, and struggle through love lost with someone because that is what is expected. That a long term relationship can be built upon social demands and that a love at first sight scenario is nothing more than pubescent chemicals gone wild.
Personally I have watched my own comprehension of this emotion evolve and adapt through many situations. I still recall what it is like to attach to someone after one date and fall head over heels. I still remember the pain of what it is like when there isn't a second date. I look back at it now and laugh, to me it seemed so ridiculous yet I know at the time if someone was to challenge how I felt to say I'd be simply insulted would be an understatement. But is it just that I have become more cynical and jaded? That while experiencing years of gay dating has just left me unattached and skeptical? Well, perhaps but after almost a year in a relationship with a man I believe I am still quite infatuated with I honestly am left unable to answer that question. My feelings from then and now are very different. I'd like to think it is a result of adulthood and that I have become better rounded and more mature. Yet it always lurks that perhaps through all the love I have lost, along with that I lost my ability to love the same.
I suppose in time I will find out. For now I am happy, I am in love and I do not want that to change.
Personally I have watched my own comprehension of this emotion evolve and adapt through many situations. I still recall what it is like to attach to someone after one date and fall head over heels. I still remember the pain of what it is like when there isn't a second date. I look back at it now and laugh, to me it seemed so ridiculous yet I know at the time if someone was to challenge how I felt to say I'd be simply insulted would be an understatement. But is it just that I have become more cynical and jaded? That while experiencing years of gay dating has just left me unattached and skeptical? Well, perhaps but after almost a year in a relationship with a man I believe I am still quite infatuated with I honestly am left unable to answer that question. My feelings from then and now are very different. I'd like to think it is a result of adulthood and that I have become better rounded and more mature. Yet it always lurks that perhaps through all the love I have lost, along with that I lost my ability to love the same.
I suppose in time I will find out. For now I am happy, I am in love and I do not want that to change.
Thursday, 24 September 2015
You have the right to offend
Since when have we all become so soft? And why is it that we all suddenly have the right to be offended over something? I think it's time that society and more particularly generation X and Y harden up! We live in an age of wonders, with ceaseless access to information, services and goods. You would think with all of that we might be a little less uptight. Yet despite being better off across the board many of us act as if we are more oppressed than ever. I've had my fair share of abuse, homophobia and moments where I've really feared being myself but I have always avoided the victim mentality. Why? Because standing back and whining the phrase "I'm offended" does absolutely nothing.
One thing in the world that has not changed is that it is rough, it's unequal and it's filled with bullies, and that is not going away anytime soon. It's time we all grow thicker skins. It's time people stand up for what they believe in, it is our right. Offend others, it is also our right. But we cannot not think that we have the right to silence others because it's offensive. When John Stuart Mill wrote about the Harm Principle, he did not have in mind the feelings of others. When the American founding fathers added the amendments that became known as the bill of rights, they did not footnote "Unless free speech offends you." Frankly we do have the right to be bigots*. If anything the world is becoming more bigoted every day. It seems as we become tolerate towards sex, race and sexuality we become further intolerant towards ideology, beliefs and any level of opposition we may face. In the end your opinion is your opinion and if you wish to hold one then you must let others have opinions that you see as offensive, regardless of how much it hurts for delicate little feelings.
*Bigotry: intolerance towards those who hold different opinions from oneself.
We create a real problem when we stop empowering victims and instead start creating them. Civilization has had to fight many battles and I assure you that none were won upon a victim mentality. Jesus did not hang from the cross while beckoning "That's not fair" and Nazi Germany didn't fall to it's knees when Europe said "that's offensive". Simply, life is about fighting, and silencing others does not mean you win, it means you're just oppressing the opposition. It means you're the problem and not the solution.
So now imagine an offence free world. Imagine comedy? As a gay I know offence and the use of shade is our main source of communication and frankly, it keeps me mentally active. Imagine a government that has to tip toe around words, policy and promises to avoid offence. Imagine a media that can't offend others. Nothing would get done! Yet if a majority of Tumblr users ruled the world that is what we would have to endure. Now things do get said that hurt, of course! That does not mean we should be romanticizing the victim lifestyle. It's time we all toughen up. We have real issues in the world, so forgive me but I could not care less if I offend you. I want to offend you. I want you to challenge my views, fight me and convince me to side with you. And if you fail, be able to let go and move on. You have the right to be offended, but I have the right to offend you and I promise that I will.
Tuesday, 3 March 2015
Arrogance
Arrogance is a word that is often thrown around and when ever I hear people use it I am left asking myself if they really have any idea what it means? It constantly pops up in those lists of 'bad qualities' in a person and more often than not it seems to be the worst quality a person can have, according to those who make these lists. I am openly an arrogant person and to call it a rare quality in someone today is far from ignorance, it is simply stupidity. Arrogance is rampant in today's society, it is evident in intellectual culture, gym culture and can even be found in drinking culture. Yet for something so common it appears to be so incredibly misunderstood. So what is arrogance? A quick google search will define it as "having or revealing an exaggerated sense of one's own importance or abilities." So why does the word or quality have such a negative connotation associated with it? Perhaps it is because nobody likes someone who 'shows off' their talents, and perhaps that is because nobody likes to be reminded that their not as good as someone else. Yet it seems to me this hatred towards 'arrogant' people is nothing short of typical Australian tall poppy syndrome.
Arrogance can be a very attractive quality. In fact many romance novels such as Pride and Prejudice, make their main character an arrogant one. Yes, even Mr Darcy was arrogant and although that quality got on Elizabeth's nerves, his arrogance proved to be a challenge. There is something attractive about someone who is sure of themselves. Now of course this quality is not for everyone. Yet I find for those who are intellectual and those who like to converse and banter, for them arrogance can be an incredibly appealing quality. Someone who is opinionated is fun and interesting which by far outweighs someone who is a 'fence sitter' or opinion-less. Just the same as someone who is egotistic is by far better than someone with extreme self esteem issues. Confidence can come with arrogance, intelligence often comes hand in hand with arrogance and no longer should we be shaming those who are sure of themselves as it is simply a waste of time. An arrogant person cannot be shamed, they'll wear that quality with pride and continue to push their point.
So why do people put this as the top of their list in terms of bad qualities? Well nobody likes someone who is always right. Nor do they like people so conceited that they'll never be able to deflate that giant head of theirs. Nobody wants to be friends with a real life Sheldon Cooper (although even he has close friends and a girlfriend while most of us are still single). Arrogance can cross a line. That is when it becomes nothing more than an ignorant and opinionated person throwing their beliefs and values around. Arrogance without intelligence is simply just ignorance. Ignorance is not an attractive quality in any shape or form. Yet there are many more qualities rarely touched upon that are magnitudes more unattractive than arrogance.
Why do we never say cheating is an unattractive quality? How about lying? Maybe laziness? Abusiveness? There are lists of qualities in lovers and friends that will leave you numb and in tatters. Yet we never address them? Do we prefer to be hurt, used and abused than to be around someone who is sure of themselves or 'arrogant'? Would we rather be lied to than proven wrong? And shall we continue trying to cut those tall, arrogant poppies in order to feel better about ourselves? I think not! It is time we educate ourselves, learn about the english language for starters and maybe find real negative qualities in people rather than throwing around the word arrogance mindlessly.
I end every blog with the phrase "be proud" because pride is not a bad thing, neither is arrogance. Be proud of what you are, who you are and what you know. Do not let someone pull you down to their level because they think your pride or arrogance makes you a bad person. Until you because someone nasty and someone who launches personal attacks you and your qualities on show are not bad. Be sure of yourself, prove your points and defend your opinions Never shy of conflict in order to stand your ground and make sure you pick your battles. If you are right then make it known, prove it true. You will never be liked by everyone, yet that should never be your aim in life. Be someone who is known to be ruthless yet sweet, headstrong yet kind and someone who is loving unconditionally. You can be arrogant as long as nobody is hurt on a real personal level. So please, go forth and be proud!
Tuesday, 30 December 2014
Pray the Gay Away
After over a year of being an out and proud gay men I can't help but to wonder where all the homophobia I prepared myself for is? I am fortunate enough to be a White Cis Gay male but even then I was expecting a world that is against me. To my surprise I have found a world that frankly doesn't take notice, a world of people who are to busy with themselves. I am not saying I have not experienced any form of homophobia. There have been comments and 'jokes' passed my way regarding my sexuality, all of which had little impact on me. I suppose it comes down to a persons perspective of the world. You either think it is with you or against you. When I came out I made sure I came out into a modern world, one that is very different from the world of hate crimes. No longer do we live in a world where we had to fight for our existence. Although this is not exactly accurate, for me in Australia I have it very well off, I am in no way a second class citizen, and throughout time the 'little' injustices will be smoothed out. I am one of the lucky gays.
In saying all this some of my biggest experiences with homophobia have left me laughing. I can't help but to ridicule those who're so backwards in thinking that they want a whole community of people to disappear. Let me just say that regardless of ones political views, it is completely ignorant and unproductive to place 100% emphasis on "the family" while ignoring everyone else. Yet it saddens me to think most of my homophobic experiences have been within a political party. To no surprise for many I am a active and proud member of the Liberal Party. Although I do not fully support some of their policies, their ideology and their focus on the power of the individual appeals greatly to me. This ideology is evident in my blogs. I am constantly placing focus on my perspective, I rarely ever blame the world, I never place myself in a collective and I make sure you all know I am me, I am Jack Barlow and I am a gay man but not the gay community or scene.
So what do I consider homophobia? Well for starters it is not me just getting upset with people who disagree with my lifestyle, they have a right to disagree, perhaps I disagree with theirs and I have that same right. To me, homophobia is when someone is clearly disgusted and hateful towards you, when they cannot see you for anything more than your sexuality and when they want you to change that for them. Homophobia is unjust, it is when someone stops caring about the individual and they only care about their collective, be it Christian, Nazi, Islamic or other. I am not saying all these collectives are homophobic, because they're not. Extremist minorities who abuse these collectives on the other hand are the problem. So where did I first experience homophobia? A policy forum of course.
It started with me walking into a room of men. I was then handed a sheet of policies that will be addressed and to my surprise they even made sure to include two condemning same sex marriage. I am not sure what they're so afraid of? The forum included a sea of harmful words, a fairfax reporters dream and it resulted in a pissed of Jack storming out. Within 48 hours I had three executive members call me to apologise for words spoken. I was surprised anyone noticed and I am glad they did, it was the only thing that kept me in that faction. From there I had another member pass many other comments, although I have a high respect for some of his views, when it comes to gays he is nothing short of a twat. Whether it be calling them evil or even suggesting he could convert me straight, it is these acts of discrimination that frustrate me. I have no choice but to laugh it off. If anyone truly believes you can pray the gay away then I assure you so many people like me would be straight. So many gay men and women did pray, they prayed every night to be normal and God didn't change them. Perhaps, if there is a God, he made us this way. Perhaps we need to move on from thinking God hates our lifestyle, especially when he made it so easy to live. It was not God who bashed us, spat on us and kicked us down when we were weak. It was straight men and women.
So I end this blog on a high note. Homophobia is dying and the world is changing. When you come out make sure you come out into the right world, because you live in the world you create. I am lucky enough to be strong willed and stubborn, I will not let anyone get me down and I won't allow others to use my sexuality as a club to beat me with. I am lucky and proud. Keep your heads high and block out the haters. It always gets better.
Friday, 12 December 2014
Life is a beautiful thing.
A life is a beautiful thing. It is delicate, innocent and so very pure. We all tend to forget this through our day to day errands and we don't realise that behind our endless sea of work, homework, Facebook, and what ever else plagues our lives that we are our own masterpiece. It is very rare that we will take time to sit down and think "Shit, I have it good right now". Perhaps that is the problem. Life is not easy and it never will be. From birth to death you will be thrown curve balls from every direction. For some this can leave them hurt, battered and bruised for others they can manage to score a home run. How we deal with our issues doesn't make us better than anyone and how we don't deal with out issues doesn't make us a second class citizen. How we treat others is what we should be judged on and I don't just mean our friends but also our enemies. Life is a beautiful thing and you must make sure you take care of other lives the same way you would like someone to take care of your own.
I talk about life because I feel it is becoming under-appreciated. By that I don't just mean we forget the value of other lives too easily. I mean that we are forgetting the value of our own lives too easily. I often find myself forgetting that I am interconnected with many people. I don't realise the impact I have on others and by doing that I often don't realise my own self worth. It becomes so normal to think I am alone in this world and I would never lie and say that I have not been tempted to throw it all away. We have all been there, in our darkest moments. We have all had 'those' thoughts. And perhaps it is the fact that even while writing this the idea of mentioning the word suicide is too taboo. It is sad that we can't even openly talk about it. Not only is the topic frightening and morbid but is is socially something we don't wish to recognise. Suicide is no less of an issue, even when we pretend it doesn't exist.
A life is a valuable thing and although this blog may just be filled with cliches and one liners, they all are completely true. Suicide is incredibly difficult to talk about, there are no one liners. When it comes to death the typical lines we use such as "it gets better" are not exactly true. It is time for blunt honesty and perhaps we should stop trying to fool ourselves and others into thinking these things get better and go away. They don't. Suicide is horrible and when you take your own life you will be found by someone and that person will live the rest of their lives haunted with the image of your lifeless body. When you swallow those pills you leave behind masses of people who will be left shocked, hurt and lost without you. When you tie that rope you forget that you are going to be leaving behind a family, who for better or worse will always love you. When you take your own life you also take life out of others.
It is so easy to sit here and rant on about how selfish suicide is but that doesn't address the issues surrounding it. When a person kills themselves they don't exactly do it because they're selfish. They do it because they're convinced they are worthless. When it comes to addressing suicide as an issue we should be reminding people that they are important without distorting reality for them. If people realise their self worth and their impact on the world then perhaps they will become less likely to go through with it. I sit here and I wonder what those moments before death is like. For some it may be beautiful and almost cinematic for others it may relieve them of great pain. Yet I cannot help but to think for those who take their own lives, that inside they've already died.
On Thursday morning I received news that one of my readers had killed himself. I can't express my sadness, my heart is broken and I could not imagine how his family is right now. I remain in shock to think that on Tuesday he messaged me to commend me on my writing and he even thanked me for it. He said just by writing I am making peoples lives easier and, Jake I sure do hope I made yours slightly better. You were so loved and if you could see what is being said about you now you would have never have done what you did. We were supposed to be catching up sometime, gosh we may have even have become good friends! There is nothing I can do to change what happened but like hell will I just be another person to stand by and say to your loved ones "It gets better" and say to others "it's such a shame". Because that is how these things happen. When we just stand by and let them.
To anyone out there considering suicide all I can say is please don't. You don't realise the damage such an event does to others, you don't realise how valuable you really are. When you make that choice it is you last choice. When you take that path you cannot turn back. You don't allow yourself to finish your journey in life or even change it. It's just not worth it. For those who are seeking help for others I can only insist that you do what ever you can do to wake them up. Depression is like a deep sleep, their reality is like a bad dream and they cannot see the world around them. Wake them up, just even if they only get a glimpse and make sure they know they're apart of this world. Make sure they know suicide should never be an option. We all have our own demons and we are all fighting a battle. Life was never meant to be easy but we must remain proud of who we are. We must strive to live another day and make a positive impact on everyone. Even a short life can be monumental. Don't forget you're self worth.
This blog is written in memory of Jake Carpenter.
Jake, my advice to you was that a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet. I'd like to think that I had managed to be more to you than just some stranger on the internet who writes blogs. I'd like to think I left a footprint in your life, I'd like to think I made a difference. You sure as hell have left a mark on me and I wish I could thank you. I hope where ever you are right now you're happy, I hope the pain has been taken away. Until next time, friend.
I talk about life because I feel it is becoming under-appreciated. By that I don't just mean we forget the value of other lives too easily. I mean that we are forgetting the value of our own lives too easily. I often find myself forgetting that I am interconnected with many people. I don't realise the impact I have on others and by doing that I often don't realise my own self worth. It becomes so normal to think I am alone in this world and I would never lie and say that I have not been tempted to throw it all away. We have all been there, in our darkest moments. We have all had 'those' thoughts. And perhaps it is the fact that even while writing this the idea of mentioning the word suicide is too taboo. It is sad that we can't even openly talk about it. Not only is the topic frightening and morbid but is is socially something we don't wish to recognise. Suicide is no less of an issue, even when we pretend it doesn't exist.
A life is a valuable thing and although this blog may just be filled with cliches and one liners, they all are completely true. Suicide is incredibly difficult to talk about, there are no one liners. When it comes to death the typical lines we use such as "it gets better" are not exactly true. It is time for blunt honesty and perhaps we should stop trying to fool ourselves and others into thinking these things get better and go away. They don't. Suicide is horrible and when you take your own life you will be found by someone and that person will live the rest of their lives haunted with the image of your lifeless body. When you swallow those pills you leave behind masses of people who will be left shocked, hurt and lost without you. When you tie that rope you forget that you are going to be leaving behind a family, who for better or worse will always love you. When you take your own life you also take life out of others.
It is so easy to sit here and rant on about how selfish suicide is but that doesn't address the issues surrounding it. When a person kills themselves they don't exactly do it because they're selfish. They do it because they're convinced they are worthless. When it comes to addressing suicide as an issue we should be reminding people that they are important without distorting reality for them. If people realise their self worth and their impact on the world then perhaps they will become less likely to go through with it. I sit here and I wonder what those moments before death is like. For some it may be beautiful and almost cinematic for others it may relieve them of great pain. Yet I cannot help but to think for those who take their own lives, that inside they've already died.
On Thursday morning I received news that one of my readers had killed himself. I can't express my sadness, my heart is broken and I could not imagine how his family is right now. I remain in shock to think that on Tuesday he messaged me to commend me on my writing and he even thanked me for it. He said just by writing I am making peoples lives easier and, Jake I sure do hope I made yours slightly better. You were so loved and if you could see what is being said about you now you would have never have done what you did. We were supposed to be catching up sometime, gosh we may have even have become good friends! There is nothing I can do to change what happened but like hell will I just be another person to stand by and say to your loved ones "It gets better" and say to others "it's such a shame". Because that is how these things happen. When we just stand by and let them.
To anyone out there considering suicide all I can say is please don't. You don't realise the damage such an event does to others, you don't realise how valuable you really are. When you make that choice it is you last choice. When you take that path you cannot turn back. You don't allow yourself to finish your journey in life or even change it. It's just not worth it. For those who are seeking help for others I can only insist that you do what ever you can do to wake them up. Depression is like a deep sleep, their reality is like a bad dream and they cannot see the world around them. Wake them up, just even if they only get a glimpse and make sure they know they're apart of this world. Make sure they know suicide should never be an option. We all have our own demons and we are all fighting a battle. Life was never meant to be easy but we must remain proud of who we are. We must strive to live another day and make a positive impact on everyone. Even a short life can be monumental. Don't forget you're self worth.
This blog is written in memory of Jake Carpenter.
Jake, my advice to you was that a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet. I'd like to think that I had managed to be more to you than just some stranger on the internet who writes blogs. I'd like to think I left a footprint in your life, I'd like to think I made a difference. You sure as hell have left a mark on me and I wish I could thank you. I hope where ever you are right now you're happy, I hope the pain has been taken away. Until next time, friend.
Monday, 8 December 2014
Frenemes
Being gay and being in a political party ensures me that there is one constant trend in my life. That is that I will always have "friends" who are really enemies. Frenemies is a term for those who despite your serious disgust in knowing them you have no choice but to be their friend, well you have to at least act like they're your friend. I have made sure of one thing in life and that is when I die I will have people willing to dance on my grave. Why? Because if I have gone through life without upsetting a single person or without gaining a 'hater' it means I have done nothing substantial and I have made no impact on this world, good or bad. People will always hate you. You will be hated for your looks, personality, actions and sometimes just for who or what you know. You can be hated out of jealousy or you might be hated because you're a shitty person. Regardless it is always likely that even in adult life you will experience schoolyard hate.
Recently my list of enemies has jumped from few to many and my burn book is reaching capacity. I have always been known to hold grudges, be passively aggressive and I find myself often being far from a forgiving person. Yet in the past I have tried to make changes to these traits and in result I found I was getting used and hurt far more. I asked myself why? It became clear as more friends turned into enemies. As you can forgive a bad friend for doing something once, that is fair but the more you forgive them the more likely they will abuse the niceness in you. Sometimes we have to accept some people are just bad people. Before any of you out there (and I know my enemies read this too) start to point their finger at me and say "you are a bad person" I want to be the first to say that...
I am not perfect. I make mistakes and I have done bad things. I regret them and I am truly sorry for the harm I have caused.
It is rare that I would ever go out of my way to upset my friends, although I can't say the same for my enemies. When I do upset my friends it is because I have either become blindly selfish, I have misread the situation or they are simply just no longer my friend. I truly believe friends should and do fight with each other and when they do it should easily be resolved. Yet for some of my previous friends I do not want things resolved as they do not deserve my pity or my forgiveness.
They say from ages 16 until 25 you will experience a lot of temporary people. This is completely true. Most of all, if you're a gay man you will spend time in the scene, which is filled with less temporary people but more enemies. My two gay friends, potentially at the time my best friends have easily turned into my enemies and hopefully this is known to them. This all happened over a series of events regarding nothing more than our love lives. In the end the bitchiness and two faced attitudes all became too much for me and I told them both to please, go away.
In this cases hate was a result of jealousy and it was jealousy from all sides. Some were jealous of who the others were dating, some were jealous over who the others liked and some weren't really jealous at all, only bitter. For these friends all I can say is that I loved them and I listened to them bitch about each other and their problems, I gave them advice and I tried to do the best for them. Yet to have it thrown back in my face and worse of all for them to use a sensitive tool such as my ex boyfriend to hurt me is beyond forgivable. They can all be friends with each other because nothing inspires me more than knowing I have a group of haters who have nothing on me. My hands are sparkling clean compared to yours.
Yes I have many frenemies. I have lots in politics but potentially more in the gay scene. The two after all are almost identical. Both are filled with two faced people, both have liars and untrustworthy 'friends'. In both people will try to burn you out and stomp you down. They're equally as incestuous and to keep afloat you must not only play the game but play it better than the rest. So I say this with a bitter taste still in my mouth, one day I will be rich and I will name every car I own after my haters because in the future it will be me taking you for a ride. Be proud of being hated, it means you're doing something right.
Finally this last piece is for someone who was not the perfect friend but a good one who I wronged. I wrote you a letter when you went away and despite the wrongs we have done against each other I want you to know I still mean every word I wrote. I am sorry.
Recently my list of enemies has jumped from few to many and my burn book is reaching capacity. I have always been known to hold grudges, be passively aggressive and I find myself often being far from a forgiving person. Yet in the past I have tried to make changes to these traits and in result I found I was getting used and hurt far more. I asked myself why? It became clear as more friends turned into enemies. As you can forgive a bad friend for doing something once, that is fair but the more you forgive them the more likely they will abuse the niceness in you. Sometimes we have to accept some people are just bad people. Before any of you out there (and I know my enemies read this too) start to point their finger at me and say "you are a bad person" I want to be the first to say that...
I am not perfect. I make mistakes and I have done bad things. I regret them and I am truly sorry for the harm I have caused.
It is rare that I would ever go out of my way to upset my friends, although I can't say the same for my enemies. When I do upset my friends it is because I have either become blindly selfish, I have misread the situation or they are simply just no longer my friend. I truly believe friends should and do fight with each other and when they do it should easily be resolved. Yet for some of my previous friends I do not want things resolved as they do not deserve my pity or my forgiveness.
They say from ages 16 until 25 you will experience a lot of temporary people. This is completely true. Most of all, if you're a gay man you will spend time in the scene, which is filled with less temporary people but more enemies. My two gay friends, potentially at the time my best friends have easily turned into my enemies and hopefully this is known to them. This all happened over a series of events regarding nothing more than our love lives. In the end the bitchiness and two faced attitudes all became too much for me and I told them both to please, go away.
In this cases hate was a result of jealousy and it was jealousy from all sides. Some were jealous of who the others were dating, some were jealous over who the others liked and some weren't really jealous at all, only bitter. For these friends all I can say is that I loved them and I listened to them bitch about each other and their problems, I gave them advice and I tried to do the best for them. Yet to have it thrown back in my face and worse of all for them to use a sensitive tool such as my ex boyfriend to hurt me is beyond forgivable. They can all be friends with each other because nothing inspires me more than knowing I have a group of haters who have nothing on me. My hands are sparkling clean compared to yours.
Yes I have many frenemies. I have lots in politics but potentially more in the gay scene. The two after all are almost identical. Both are filled with two faced people, both have liars and untrustworthy 'friends'. In both people will try to burn you out and stomp you down. They're equally as incestuous and to keep afloat you must not only play the game but play it better than the rest. So I say this with a bitter taste still in my mouth, one day I will be rich and I will name every car I own after my haters because in the future it will be me taking you for a ride. Be proud of being hated, it means you're doing something right.
Finally this last piece is for someone who was not the perfect friend but a good one who I wronged. I wrote you a letter when you went away and despite the wrongs we have done against each other I want you to know I still mean every word I wrote. I am sorry.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)