I Got One Less Problem Without Ya'

The world is wonderful as it is filled with many different kinds of people.  Short, skinny, fat and tall.  Some of us are men, some are women, some are both and some are neither.  There is one thing I can ensure, nobody has an 'easy life'.  Whether you are rich or poor, white or black, athletic or academic we all face our separate issues.  Our issues are a big deal to us and nobody has the right to belittle you or water down your problems because they think theirs are worse.  Our problems are not relative to each other but to ourselves.  In my experience I have been through many different spectrum's of society.  I have faced poverty and adversity as well as mingled with the rich and successful.  I would like to think by now I have a broad knowledge of what it is to be human.

Many weeks ago my friend was attacked, insulted and belittled over his problems.  He had what can be considered a good life, he was well off without doubt.  He lived in the Western suburbs,  He attended Scotch and graduated from UWA.  He is also a manic depressive, he faces problems that the wider community have never heard of.  This friend of mine has had to work through toxic family conditions and a series of mental health issues to work his way up to a life goal he set himself many years ago.  There was just one last speed hump to his success and it sucked the life out of him.  He crumbled.  He almost failed to achieve his goal, so he turned to the help of his friends, one of who rejected him and then to add injury to insult he was told his issues are irrelevant, that he is not liked because he did not grow up in the same chaos as that another person.

This other person, I do not know her life but her actions reflect poorly upon her personality.  She had the audacity to critique another persons problems because she believed she had suffered through worse.  This is not the attitude of the resilient fighter she tries to portray herself as, this is the attitude of a jealous, bitter person who has to project their issues upon another.  It breaks my heart to think someone who has apparently suffered so much would dare break down another person and be perfectly OK with that.  It disgusts me that she would think that personal suffering is some sort of competition and that her issues can make other peoples problems invalid.  She is in need of a reality check, because if this is a competition I assure you she will lose to others.  My friend was supportive of this girl and her issues, he was sympathetic and in return he got kicked while he was down.

We as a community and a society need to remember something incredibly important.  That is to be kind to each other.  Yes, there are drama queens, those who over exaggerate, those who lie and so on but that is irrelevant in the end.  If a person has a problem then that is theirs and you have no right to dispute it.  We are all fighting our own demons and we all carry baggage, remember that.  Be proud of your problems, you are after all only human.

Heartbreak

It's a funny thing heartbreak.  I've always associated it with being in love.  That you must be in love with someone for your heart to ever be broken.  I've also seemed to think that heartbreak is one-way.  I'm not completely incorrect with these assumptions but they're a very basic view of heartbreak.  As my journey through life continues I am finding that, although I am far more mature than most my age (and some older), I still have a lot to learn and most recently rediscovering what heartbreak is has got me completely stumped and somewhat overwhelmed.

It is rare anyone wants to inflict pain upon themselves and if they do there is often a more traumatic and emotional cause behind it, but when it comes to heartbreak I tend to bring it upon myself before anyone else can.  I've had my fair share of dating experiences and there have been many men and there will be many more to come.  As I constantly question "what is love?" I can never admit to truly being in love but I know I have felt heartbreak.  It is a feeling that rips through you, it is a physical pain that is uncontrollable.  You can dull it and try to ignore it but it eats at you, slowly.  My first real heartbreak experience was so traumatic and I felt so lonely that I vowed to write a diary of my pain and hurt everyday in hope I can look back and prevent myself from ever 'falling in love'.  Heartbreak does not come from being in love though, it comes from being vulnerable.  When you open yourself up to anyone, a lover, friend or family member you open yourself up to heartbreak.

So why do I choose to inflict heartbreak upon myself?  Simply to prevent others from hurting me and to stop myself from falling in love. Someone once told me that we are all damaged goods.  This is entirely true!  Every experience be it good or bad leaves a permanent mark on us that will change who we are forever.  Consider ourselves as a record.  We are an original and our grooves, when read, sound who we are.  When you do not take care of a record it becomes scratched and that sound becomes static.  The original is still there, just part of it cannot be heard.  When you're careless with a record to the point it shatters it can never be played again, the original is still there, but it will never be heard.  People are records, we are all unique and we produce wonderful music!  But if you fail to take care of us you ruin us for the next person.  You strip us from our innocence, you remove our attentiveness, you make us insecure and we put up a facade.  Just like records, humans can also be repaired.  Carefully and delicately the pieces can be put back together and a sound can be played.  It will never be like the original but it can still be heard.

What I am trying to say is we must take care of each other as much as ourselves.  I have allowed myself to be hurt by others and instead of being resilient and putting the pieces back together I have decided to hide away.  The result is a bitter, cynical and sarcastic person.  A person who I am not.  Deep down I am a romantic.  I like formal dates, gifts and flowers.  I want walks on the beach and pillow talk.  Surprise texts and spontaneous kisses.  I write love letters and plan indulgent evenings but I replace all that good, all that innocence and all that love with someone who instead distances himself from anyone who poses a threat.

Heartbreak is powerful and it comes in many forms and how we deal with it is completely up to us, but we cannot go through life without being heartbroken.  I do not intend to repeat my mistakes, I no longer wish to hide myself away.  Being vulnerable is a beautiful thing, it is not weak, and yes, you must protect yourself as there are nasty people out there but do not make the same vow I did.  Do not prevent yourself from feeling love.  Because if you do you will lose everyone who ever meant anything to you.

I am a person who loved unconditionally and endlessly.  I helped people when they did not even deserve my attention.  I cried for people who could not care less about me.  I have left myself vulnerable to strangers, friends, boyfriends and more.  I have been too trusting and too ignorant to the world and deep down I miss that.  I miss being that person because I was a good person!  I was a person of love.

Heartbreak is traumatic and painful but also wonderful!  Do not let it change you.  I assure you people will hurt you and you will hurt people until the day you die!  That does not mean you must hide yourself away like I have.  When you are vulnerable you allow yourself to get butterflies at a text message, his smile makes you smile and every moment with that person is wonderful.  When you are vulnerable you can connect with someone and it opens your world. Be proud of being who you are, be proud of being a human.  Let your record play!

GBF: Gay Best Friend

It's not often that an openly gay man will have crowds of women fighting over him... Unless they want him as their GBF, or Gay Best Friend.  Louis Vuitton and Gucci have nothing on the handbag that is a GBF.  Your girlfriends will turn green with envy as you rock up to Dome for coffee with this fabulous accessory.  It even feeds and cleans itself!  What I am really getting down to is the blurred lines that are forming between opposite sex friendships and 'fag-hags' using some gay men as nothing more than an accessory.  As a gay man I have countless female friends, many I joke with about being their handbag and all of who I'll call my 'fag-hags' but there is a difference.  I know these women love me and cherish my friendship.  When a lady finds out I am gay and one of their first statements is "yay someone to go shopping with", I will laugh and go along with the joke. I do after all have a sense of humour, but when they relentlessly stereotype me I know I am nothing more to them than their gay handbag!  Objectification is rampant within the gay scene.  Do we really need straight women treating us like objects?

Of course there are two sides to this story.  Some men like being the handbag friend, some love shopping and some seek to fit that stereotype of the GBF perfectly.  That is fine for them after all but like everything it comes at a price to the wider community.  How we present ourselves as individuals has the ability to reflect on all gay men and women.  Sadly society sees us a collective.  So when we objectify each other or allow others to objectify us it sets a standard for all gay-kind, and as long as this standard reaches popular culture we all must expect to be treated by it.

I for one hate shopping.  I have no comprehension of fashion.  I cannot do your make-up.  I do not wear salmon shirts.  I can't strut.  I only recently was told what a maxi dress actually was, not that I really care.  Despite this I am still surrounded by women who I love.  They're my silver lining.  They love me for me and I am not just some person to go shopping with.  I am not friends with the local mean girls, even though since coming out I've gone from that loser to that next accessory.  I am smart enough to know whats good for me and who is good for me.

So who started this trend?  We did, it was needed to achieve acceptance.  We became objects to powerful straight women.  It got us on the world stage and it pushed the world to realise we exist and we really aren't that bad.  Yet the evolution of gay culture and the merging with straight culture has somewhat ceased.  We still remain the object of the straight white woman.  Lady Gaga to Joan Rivers, who I have no doubt love us, still remain to objectify us and use us.  When a woman says "I love gay men" is she referring to all of us?  I'd hope not because there are some shitty gay men out there.  Sadly it seems that we are all just that.  We are all gay men, and we are all loved by these celebrities who are then idolised by other women and then we idolise them back.  We can't be Gaga's handbag so we will be someones who also idolises Gaga.  It is a confusing culture and it seems once you enter it you slowly lose your identity to the collective.

I am no object!  No human on this earth, straight gay, young or old is an object.  It's about time we set new standards for ourselves and fight for the recognition as the individuals we are.  It is time to be proud of ourselves!

Way to reinforce the twink stereotype!

Sports? How Gay!

Sound the final siren because this game is over!  Sporting in Australia has received a blow to its homophobic atmosphere with our much beloved swim star, Ian Thrope coming out as gay.  It came as no surprise to most of us, speculations over his sexuality had been going on since he was only a teenager and now with this recent news a new era for Australian sport can begin.  He has not only outed himself but he has outed an entire community that has done nothing but stand still as the world progresses around them.  People have the right to be open about their sexuality, yet in the sporting world that right is only given to those who are purely heterosexual.  Why?  I'd think it has something to do with straight men being insecure of their own sexuality.  It is because everyone presents themselves as black or white but in reality most people are a shade of grey.  Men are told they must be men, any sign of femininity essentially strips them of their masculinity and as we know, sports, especially team sports, are a testosterone filled sausage-fests where masculinity is associated with skill!

So why is Thorpe's coming out so significant?  It is because he has swum against the current.  He lived a life of depression and anxiety because he could not openly be his true self and he is not alone.  Sporting greats whether it be Matthew Mitcham, Tom Daley or even Robbie Rogers have all endured homophobia in the sporting arena.  This is not just an issue isolated within professional sporting, it goes deep down into the grass root community clubs that many of us grew up with.  We need to promote acceptance of those who are gay in sports.  We need to help create comfortable environments for people of all sexualities and most importantly we need to remove this backwards and homophobic attitude that seems to dominate male sports.

In Australia 1 in 10 people are gay.  So we should expect at least one homosexual in every football, soccer or rugby team.  I assure you there are plenty of gay athletes out there, yet for some strange coincidence almost only straight men have ended up as professional athletes.  I am not suggesting that gay athletes are being actively discriminated against or that their sexuality is being used to deny them the ability succeed in their field.  I am suggesting however, that gay athletes don't come out because they're afraid of the treatment and backlash they'll receive as a result.  If you need any proof that homophobia is rampant in sports allow me to remind you of the AFL commentator who referred to a player as a "poofter" because he believed this players waving technique was effeminate.  This is no longer acceptable.

Through writing this blog I have met many people and heard many stories but one story about an English soccer player inspired me to write on this subject.  He is hardly out to his friends, if anything only a select handful know.  After training and games he makes sure he is the first or last to shower, if he isn't he has to experience a room full of team mates making homoerotic gestures and suggestions as jokes.  It makes him uncomfortable .  When you are gay the last thing you need are straight team mates making a joke out of your sexuality.  You can never learn to trust them or believe they'll still support you the same way if they were to know who you truly are, especially if they think what you like is nothing but a funny joke.  Homosexuality isn't a joke, being homosexual does not make you any less of a man and femininity isn't a crime or something to be ashamed about.  Gay men in sports are just the same as straight men in sports.  It's about damn time they start being treated that way.

Regardless of what code you support, if you pay, watch or can't stand the sight of sport there is a message still to spread.  Homosexuals should not be forced into hiding their sexuality.  If a straight man has the right to be openly straight then a gay man has the right to be openly gay. It's time we start viewing people for their abilities and not their sexuality.  It's time we support others and most importantly be proud!

Dating and Romance and Love! Oh my!

The mysterious world of dating is something that nobody seems to be able to get their head around.  Whether it be the constant questioning of what is a date, when is it time to have sex or if you're offical yet, it can be easy to quickly become overwhelmed by it all, especially if it's your first time.  There is a huge change between those high school years where you are each others boyfriend even before the first date, and adult life where you don't even know if you want a boyfriend or not.  As technology and society changes, new ways to meet and date people open up before you, but this comes with its complications.  For us gays it is even harder to find 'the one' as a small population indulged in a promiscuous culture definitely drys up the dating pool, which by this stage is more of a puddle.  Yet we still find adorable gay couples walking their dogs down Beaufort street or plastering their icky, gooey love all over social media (making us hopeless romantics incredibly jealous) and sometimes you even see them on amazing dates which just make you want to punch yourself in the genitals.  Dating, it sucks!  But if a relationship is the goal dating is the route there.

First to remove a myth about dating.  You are never too young or too old for a relationship or to date, don't think that you have to sleep around before you settle down.  Relationships are all about sharing yourself with another person and when you're ready to experience that then you are ready.  I started dating the moment I came out because I knew that sleeping around was not for me but you have to be careful who you date and where you meet them.  Dating people off apps like Grindr and Tinder is always risky, you can never, ever form any attachment until you know their true motives.  This becomes a huge problem when it comes to the world of online dating, you know as much about them as their picture, profile and a few words spoken can tell you.  You can't read their body language (emojis are NOT body language), you can't feel a connection.  Generally people you meet online become the person you have searched for, chosen and then manufactured inside your head.  Often when you meet them in person things don't always run so smoothly.  The best dating experiences I have had have always been with those I met in person first, It's just with them you instantly know what you are in for.

Dating friends is not as bad as people make it out to be, as long as you are both mature and open to each other.  Remember dating doesn't always end how you want it to or expect it to but not always is it because of the other person, sometimes you are the problem. You must always consider the fact they had something that made you want to spend your life with them and if you come out of it all thinking they're the worst person in the world you must still be an adult about it.  This I am still slowly learning to do but the benefits from it outweighs the effort.  A huge downfall in the world of gay dating is that people are afraid to form crushes.  I rarely hear guys talk about how they get butterflies at the sound of their crushes name or all they can think about is being with their date.  Romance is NOT dead, don't be afraid to be romantic or even feel things for another person.  Through doing this you will become more open to being hurt, women have it right when they say men are dicks but it is necessary and a part of life.  This is why you need to find someone who is after what you're after.

You must be open with each other.  It is important to establish that you are dating for the same reason or else you'll both be taken for a ride and more or less someone will get hurt.  Many times have I dated with the intention of forming a relationship only to get shot down by the words "I don't want anything serious".   It always puzzles me, why date if you don't want anything serious?  Never be afraid to ask the other person what they want and if it is not the same as what you want, don't try to change them just leave them!  You don't want to just date any boy you fancy, you want a man, an adult who will treat you right.  As for any dickhead that goes out there with the intention of screwing other people over and leading them on, you are the problem.  Please fix yourself.

A relationship is about each other.  When you are in one you will do things for the other person that you hate.  You will get angry at them but still want to hold them tight.  You will feel the urge to say "fuck it" and end it all but you wont.  They make you feel special, you both will make time for each other even if it means a few hours sleep before work.  You are completely open, you have no secrets, you trust each other and you will slowly fall in love. And although you will meet others who may look better or are more intelligent than your boyfriend you must remember there are people who are smarter and more attractive than you, yet he still chose you and you still chose him.

please stop being cute, I just cant even!

As for love I have never got to truly experience it.  I do believe in love at first sight, but loving a person is very different from being in love with a person.  The closest I got to love was when someone convinced me I was in love with them.  Never force someone to say those words, it will taint them for the rest of their lives.  There are lessons to learn from dating, you will do it and probably a lot of it.  You will feel amazing and you will also get hurt.  Never change yourself for anyone and never lead someone on.  When you do finally meet someone who is right you will know and they will become the center of your world.  Regardless of how they look or act they become the most beautiful and perfect creation you'll ever come across.

What's that guy doing with my future husband? 

Now for us who are single and hopeless go!  Go binge on chocolate and ice cream until someone comes into your life.  Be proud and be happy, regardless of your relationship status.

STIs. They're back and it's our fault.

It is time to wake up and smell the infection!  An epidemic is on our hands and we only have ourselves to blame.  STI's and STD's are making an unfashionable comeback, and just like shoulder pads, ankle warmers and Perez Hilton it's time to put them back in the closet to never be seen again.  So why the comeback?  Well it's nothing sudden, the rate of infection has been increasing across most common types of diseases and infections (excluding syphilis which has been dropping) but it is fair to say my generation has a lot to do with it.  We are the generation that missed out on the "AIDs is death" campaign, we live in a time where most things are easily curable and we are profoundly ignorant at times.  It is quite easy to blame the government and catholic education for this slow rise, and I agree that these things are not taught well enough in schools.  It's still taboo and that's where we step in.  STI's are only scary to catch, not to talk about.  So talk!  Talk to your friends, new people to the community and strangers even.  Talk about them, educate people and made sure they get tested and use protection.

I stress this topic as I have witnessed friends all around me catch things and it is not pretty.  I watch as they do stupid things and I constantly lecture them to know better.  Now it could be that I surround myself with idiots, at times I do question that but I feel this is more an observation of the actions of a fearless generation that knows no better.  Bare backing with strangers and multiple random blow jobs are a sure way to catch something.  Let me break a myth here and now.  Blow jobs ARE a form of sex and oral sex CAN give you an STI.  #shockhorror

So in terms of prevention abstinence is always the unrealistic but 100% sure way to remain clean.  Following that is condoms and dental dams.  These will generally stop the nasty stuff.  Things like genital warts (HPV) and herpes (HSV) are skin contact viruses.  They're not curable but are treatable and will go dormant.  Before having sex make sure you trust the person and ask if they're are clean.  Chances are if you get something the other person was not aware they had it either.

Following prevention is detection.  It's simple, go to your local sexual health clinic and get tested.  They're judgement free zones and the process is quite simple.  You get a throat swab, an anal swab and if you are a female you will get a vaginal swab.  You get blood taken and they require a urine sample.  In a few days you will get a call, email or an appointment that will brief you on the results.  If you are clean well life goes on, if not treatment begins.

Treatment.  This should be the biggest deterrent. Lets start with the bad stuff.  HIV/AIDs are not curable but are treated with a retrograde medication ($$$), so you will still live a fairly normal life you'll just be forever tied down financially and sexually.  All the STIs like Chlamydia and Syphilis are curable.  Treatment is just an antibiotic that will make your life revolve around the nearest toilet for a few days.  Also depending on the treatment you may get a giant needle in the ass (fun).  So it is a painful treatment or lack of treatment just for things that are easily avoidable.  Still questioning that condom?

Finally do not be ashamed of catching something.  We need to remove the stigma behind STIs/STDs as they're so common chances are you'll catch one in your life time.  We need to get talking and put this on the agenda.  Especially within the gay community where infection rate is far higher than average.  So spread the word not the diseases.  Wrap a condom on and avoid those awkward conversations.  We are human,  sex happens and so do STIs so lets be proud, be smart and put an end to them!

Grindr

Whether you're after "dates, mates, fun" or even "only chats" and a possible "pic swap" it would be folly to expect any gay man has not heard of this app.  Grindr is basically a prolific orgy of gay men, crammed into one space and granted permission to do as they wish.  The result is an addictive display of online human interaction, which often leaves me puzzled on how men think.  The aim of the game for some is to get laid, others to make friends and the rest are undecided. You will find a large group of under age youths desperately trying to make contact with other gays.  You get everyone from the closet to their deathbed.  It is a mixing pot of gays.  It is also dangerous, seedy and requires more attention.  Why?  Because it is shaping a culture and influencing the younger generations negatively.  Grindr is like porn, it creates unrealistic expectations of life.  It promotes racist and even homophobic attitudes (yes, gays hating on gays) while it continues to infiltrate deep into gay culture.

My biggest concern is what Grindr does to those who are new to the gay scene.  It is often their first port-of-call when it comes to exploring their sexuality or even interacting with people like them.  I say this because I was one of those people.  I used the app neither sex or for dates but to find gay friends.  I am not longer that 16 year old boy lying about his age and I am fortunate to be mature and eager enough to learn fast about the gay community, but I would be lying if I said Grindr didn't have a negative impact on my life back then.  It is too easy to mix with the wrong people, I was lucky enough to have a strong moral compass then but some people my age are easily influenced by others.  Quite simply Grindr is not for those under 18 and it should not be peoples first glimpse of the gay community!

We fail to pay attention to anyone outside the 18-30 year old age bracket and because of this we leave our most vulnerable community members open to harm.  There are movements to support gay youths across the globe.  Trevorspace and the Trevorproject  are prime examples of how gays are coming together to support the most vulnerable in our community.  Yet youth are still finding themselves on apps like Grindr.  Are we failing the younger generation?  Are we setting them up to believe being gay means that acting like some of the filth on Grindr is the norm?  We are, and it is because we fail to run successful programs where Gay youth can interact normally.  We need local events targeted at those gay and under 18, we need global sites where the same age group can interact in a safe and friendly environment and we need those who are older to welcome these people into a community of gays who had to fight for their rights and not for their bodies.  And if we have these things already in existence we need to sell them, market them, fund-raise for them and make them work.  Why?  Because a Grindr culture is a xenophobic, unrealistic culture and we must prevent Gay youth from thinking that is what being homosexual is all about, because it plainly isn't.

For those who are old enough to know better and are reading this I beg you to help the new generation of gays.  For those who are young and feel isolated and alone I ask you please do not turn to Grindr but use sites like Trevorspace, turn to community groups or even come to people like me.  We are here to help and we are the better option.  Regardless of your age you must respect everyone, act in their best interests and most importantly have some level of morale.  Be proud.

If you're under 18 here is a site I first went to.
https://www.trevorspace.org/